Sacrifices To Be Made

Three years ago, I told my family during Thanksgiving that I was gay. I was the one in the family considered to be the most spiritually mature because at that point I had been a Christian for nine years. When I became a Christian, it took awhile for the rest of the family to accept that I was different. I never drank alcohol. I never smoked. I stopped cursing. I never partied (at least wildly). I never did drugs. I was concerned about the things of God and that made me weird. In fact, at one memorably hostile Christmas, my sister even called me 'holier-than-thou'. But i was consistent in my faith and they realized that that's the person i was. It wasn't just a religious phase. It was an important part of my life and they eventually accepted me. Actually, one by one, they began to accept Christ as well.

Then i told them that I was gay. They immediately accepted me and were supportive of me. When i say i told them i was 'gay', i actually put it in the context of struggling with same sex attractions - but i also told them that i've struggled all my life. Saying it this way was somewhat more palatable for them i think. They could sympathize with a struggle because it wasn't really a lifestyle. I wonder how different it would be if I actually took a boyfriend to a family holiday function? I love my family though and I know that they love me.

Yet, I also know that there would be some pretty serious sacrifices to be made if i were to pursue a committed relationship with a guy. Pretty much all my ministry life revolves around a 'straight' world. (Me checking out this gay-friendly church is very much a secret). Making that kind of a bold decision would change the way I function in my current ministry. Is that a sacrifice i'm willing to make? Ministry isn't just a 'job' - for me its a lifestyle. My faith is a lifestyle. It's not that simple just to say someone else will take over the ministry and I can go on with my life with a guy and finally really 'be happy'. I'm happy in ministry. I'm happy serving Christ. Of course I want to be happy physically and emotionally and of course (i think) i'd be happy in a loving relationship with a guy. But there's something about knowing Jesus and serving Him in whatever capacity I can that is fulfilling.

Serving Him in ministry is an act of worship - it's my choice and my honor and my privilege. I was created to worship Him. I love Him and I love serving Him. But the reality is that embracing my 'gayness' would change the way I serve Him. I would only embrace it if i believed that God was okay with it - but i know that even if i came to that conclusion, between me and God, other people may not accept it and so that's what i mean when i say my current ministry will change. I know i can always serve God at this gay-friendly church that i've been checking out. I know that I will always find a way to serve Him in whatever context i'm in. But i like the ministry that He placed me in now and i'd hate to have to make a choice between it and an openly 'gay christian' life.

It felt good telling my family that i was gay. It felt good telling select friends about me as well. It feels good to be at a church with other gay people and for me to feel free being myself. But i'm still very much in the closet in terms of public ministry life. I like that more and more (safe) people know about me. But not everyone does and that makes it still pretty lonely.