It's Not So Simple Anymore

I remember when I sincerely hoped for a wife. It was only this past June. What happened? Two months ago I began to question. Wonder.

I used to be sure. It was about a man and a woman. That was simple. It made sense. And I knew that God had a woman set aside just for me. I would love her. She would love me. We'd have children and we'd raise them together. Hope.

A part of me feels like i've lost that - that small glimmer of hope. What am I really hoping for on this journey of mine? Am I hoping for a man to share my life with? Am I hoping for a life of always having to justify my decisions, choices, inclinations, orientation?

Now it's so much more complicated. It's not so simple anymore . . . .

Is it okay to be in a committed relationship? Am I supposed to be celibate? Is there a difference between commitment and covenant in a gay relationship? At what "stage" is it okay to be sexually intimate?

I look at a couple, a guy and a girl, and I know that their interaction with each other is natural. It seems to fit for them. There's no questioning or wondering. It just is. The chemistry is there and no one doubts whether or not they should be together. This grieves me.

I want to be able to have the same thing. I want chemistry in a context that feels right and natural. I would want it with a woman if I had the slightest hope that it were possible. Did I once have that hope and I simply lost it? Am I lacking faith for not trusting God for it? Am I not believing Him enough that He can and will transform me? But does He need to transform me? Am I okay the way I am? If i'm born with a sinful nature, does that sinful nature include my inclinations and orientation for a certain kind of intimacy? Or did He create me like this on purpose?

I read about gender complementarity and it makes me sad. It proclaims an order to things. Male and female. God and His Church. Christ and His Bride. It fits. There's unity. But this makes me feel like I don't fit. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't change myself. I can't force feelings, inclinations, or an orientation that I don't have!

Sigh.

Sorry. I'm kinda at a weird place right now.

It's so easy for a straight person to say that male and female is normal. Right. Designed. What does that say of me? It makes me a little bitter. They can say it's normal because that's what they feel. Is what I feel not normal because they don't feel it? A straight person can tell me to pray and deep down the Spirit will tell me that I was meant to be straight. But isn't that deep down examination inherently biased by the person's orientation? A gay person can tell me that deep down he knows he's gay.

I know what I feel. I know what feels natural to me. But I don't want a subjective kind of love to where it's okay to be in a relationship because it "feels" right. I care about what God thinks and wants. He's my God. That's why I need to know what "is" right and okay in His eyes. There are lots of people that can tell me what they think - and I respect and honor all of it. But at the end of the day, it's me and Him. He's the one I worship. He's the one that makes me happy.

He knows how much I want a companion. He knows how much I want physical intimacy. He's got to do something. He's got to give me some options that I can be sure He's okay with.

I'm not "in love" with anyone right now. But I want to be. Who to love? How to love? Why to love? This seems so complicated. I'm not trying to figure out if i'm gay. I'm trying to figure out how to be.....me. How can I be me in a way that is also consistent with God's intent, desire, and will for creating me in the first place?