An Honest and Honorable Faith

Gay. It's ironic that a word used centuries ago (in Old English, Old French, and perhaps German) that meant happy, merry, or full of joy and now coined to refer to homosexuals (as early as the 19th century) doesn't much describe me. Being gay in the new use of the word doesn't really make me gay in the old use of the word.

It's not that i'm not happy. I have been happy. It's just that being gay isn't typically what makes me happy. I'm joyful when i worship God. However, my experience of being gay in the Church has been pretty desolate. For over a decade in the Church, it's been a lonely life of not being known. But being gay doesn't fully describe the person I am.

I am a Christian. I believe and have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. My faith is in Him and so He shapes the person I am. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control. These are the things that more accurately describe me. These are the things that shape the way I interact with other people in this world. But does it change my sexual orientation? Or does it simply change how I interact with others sexually?

From promiscuity to commitment. From lust to love. From meeting my needs to meeting our needs. As a gay Christian, I can still bear the fruit of the Spirit. Am I judged by who I love or what I love or how I love? Is not a heterosexual judged by the same standards?

This journey for me isn't about wanting to be gay and happy. I'm quite confident that it's entirely possibly to be gay and just as lonely. I suppose i'm more concerned about discovering how I can live out my faith honestly and honorably. To live out my faith honestly means that I cannot deny a component of the way I am. To live out my faith honorably means that I can express love in all contexts in a way that expresses something sincere and genuine.

Can a heterosexual Christian do the same towards me? Can a straight "brother" honestly and honorably love me as I am? If God knew what He was doing when He created each of us, is it possible that He allowed me and others in His Church to be attracted to the same gender as a way of refining the Church's love for each other? Could it be that God's opposition to homosexuality in Scripture was to the way they were 'not loving' each other - expressions of broken intimacy in lust.

It's a lonely experience for some gay believers in the mainstream Church because some straight believers don't love us properly. Can a straight person love a gay person like me, not because I'm gay but because God first loved me? God's love for me is unconditional. So why is the mainstream Church's love towards me so conditional?