My Sole Responsibility

Am I telling people the truth? This question is one of the hardest things about this journey I'm on. God has pointed me in a direction and I'm walking it out. But what if I glance behind me and see others following along the path that I tread upon? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm being led astray - deceived? What if my journey causes harm? The risk I run with having my journey made somewhat public is that others could end up where I do. And that's kind of a frightening responsibility.

A good friend of mine noticed that I hadn't been writing on this blog recently as much as I used to. There are some days where I'll have alot to process and I'll be writing every day. Other times, i'll make a post once - maybe twice in a week. There are some days when I'll write three paragraphs, delete it, then write another three paragraphs about something else only to keep it as a draft and never post it. It's been a conscious decision for me not to blog if i don't actually have something to say. I'd hate to do this for the sake of doing it - just like i used to hate "going" to church simply for the sake of going. I think our lives ought to reflect purpose. And as we connect and interact with each other, let's affect one another - on purpose.

I realize that we each have our own responsibility. And I know that as I walk along side others in community - you and I - we each make our own decisions. We each walk with God on our own and we discern for ourselves what God says in our hearts. Yet it is my privilege to share that journey so that possibly I may serve as one potential means in which He may connect with others - and in that way, I can affect you in some way. And as those with whom I am in community with - you - share your journey with me, I can be affected. We are a community on a journey together - affecting each other through our relationships - on purpose.

So am I telling people the truth? I don't know. But at least I'm telling people about Jesus as He interacts with me. I'm simply sharing my process in light of my understanding of Him who is the Truth - Jesus. I am pursuing Him. And as long as I remember that this is my sole responsibility, then I can trust that any of us on this journey taking similar steps of faith will be on that same track approaching Christ.

So what have I concluded thus far on my journey? That God loves me as I am. A Christ-centered gay man. This leads to many more questions. What does it mean to be Christ-centered? What does it mean to be gay? What does it mean to be a man? What would it look like if I chose to be a Christ-centered gay man on purpose? Side A? Side B? Side X (Ex-Gay)? For too long I chose to believe what the mainstream church proclaimed - that despite grace, I ought to circumcise my sexuality. From what I've learned thus far, we are the ones who read into scripture the assumption of a standard for heterosexuality. But if I remove that assumption, then I discover that God is more concerned about how I love than who I love.

My journey is about preserving my sexuality while exploring the way God wants to transform how I express my sexuality in the context of honest love. It's not about me trying to make my faith fit into a nice little gay box that I create. It's about me being released from my box to live out my faith as I am so that I can be transformed to be more like Him. That's my truth. That's my journey.