I'm Filipino, OK?

George Takei is gay. You know, that guy from the original Star Trek series with everyone in way too tight Star Fleet uniforms - Sulu. The asian guy. Yeah, apparently he's gay. A good friend of mine pointed out the article to me.

I would have never thought he was gay. I know, i know, there are some out there saying, "Duh!" But i have always referred to my "gay-dar" as pretty weak. I can't normally determine if someone is gay because, quite frankly, I haven't spent a whole lot of time around gay people except these past 5-6 months. Among my friends, i refer to my "gay-dar" as merely sonar. I can pick up what's on the surface. I'll send out a wave and a bleep will sound just to tell me something is out there. Some of my other friends, on the other hand, have much more advanced detection systems than I do. Some of my friends have X-ray detection technology that will enable them to point out every gay person in the crowd. Yet, I have other friends that have infrared detection technology that allows them to point out the closet cases. They have the super power of being able to see deep into a person's soul. (Okay, maybe not that extreme nor mystical - i know, only God sees all).

As i read the article, the striking thing for me wasn't that he is gay. Rather, it was the reference to him living in a U.S. internment camp for Japanese from ages 4 through 8 and growing up ashamed of his ethnicity and sexuality. That's the part that hits home for me because I've always had "issues" and "baggage" about my ethnicity. I left the Philippines at the age of about 3 years old because my dad was in the Air Force. We were in Illinois, then ended up in Hawaii. I'm pretty much "americanized" and don't feel much attachment to my ethnic heritage (but i can make a good chicken adobo though!). Anyway, after my parents divorced, I moved with my mom to Southern California.

At that time, everything was new to me. It was a new place to live. It was a new family arrangement. I hadn't made friends yet. I was feeling weird about the divorce. I was feeling somewhat rejected by my dad for "choosing" my mom. Plus, there was the awkwardness of knowing I was gay and entering junior high school (I knew I was gay since 3rd grade). One day, I was walking down the street and a white pick up truck with two caucasian guys drove by and yelled out, "Chink chink!" I was devastated. How the hell do I respond to that?

I can trace my own personal ethnic shame back to that moment in 7th grade. I hated the fact that I wasn't caucasian. I always felt different. In those early years, what I wanted most was to be accepted and wanted. Sure, there's that parallel of my sexuality too. However, many times, it was harder for me to accept my ethnicity than it was to accept my sexuality. I can hide being gay. I can dismiss my sexuality as sin or confusion or brokenness or whatever. But I can't dismiss my ethnicity. It stares me right in the face when I look in the mirror. There's no hiding from it - even basic sonar can reveal that I'm filipino. I'm filipino. Wow, it took a long time for me to be able to say that. I didn't even like to categorize myself on applications as "Asian" because I was ashamed of it.

So you can imagine, that when it comes to attraction, i've always been less attracted to "asian" guys (because I saw myself in them) and was more attracted to caucasian guys, perhaps because I wanted to be like them. It's way weird for me to hear that there are some caucasian guys out there that like asian guys. Yeah, I know, it sounds sad to see oneself that way but that was the reality of my shame. In theory and in conversation, ethnicity shouldn't be a pressing issue when it comes to relationships but that's a reality for some of us who feel rejected because of it. So couple that with the issues with my sexuality, plus my feelings of family rejection after the divorce, and it sets the stage for the day I tried to kill myself in 9th grade. I'm thankful that God wasn't done with me yet.