No Longer A Fly On The Wall

I remember going to church and feeling so alone. There were times when I'd look around and watch people interact and it would almost feel like I wasn't even part of my own body - as if i was looking out through the windows of my eyes but never really being a part of the "outside" world. Sure I was "in" my body, but it was kind of like being invisible or even like being a fly on the wall - unnoticed. It was frustrating watching but never being able to take part. I watched couples - guys and girls holding hands, laughing, hugging, interacting.

It was somewhat paralyzing. Fear does that, I suppose. Fear of people knowing the darkest secret in my being. While Christians proclaim how important forgiveness is, I was so confident that it would never be offered if they really knew what was going on in this head of mine. How could I possibly be accepted by "my friends" if they knew I was one of "them". Gay.

But I'm a Christian. And I have been given freedom. The person I am is defined by who Christ says I am. A child of God - a son. Here it is, the ultimate acceptance from Him who tells me, "I died for you." And so I'm learning that I no longer need to "feel" paralyzed because there are no restraints. I do believe that I am not free to sin, for I belong to Him - bought at a price - however, I am free to be the man that I am. I am growing, changing, transforming to be more like Him. I'm not inclined to think that my sexuality was meant to be transformed but I do believe that the character of my life is. Regardless of what those who oppose my sexuality think, I bear the fruit of the Spirit. We may disagree about how Scripture is interpreted regarding sexuality, but the presence of God in my life cannot be denied. I am Christian. I am gay.

Of course, i've discovered that I was wrong about my assumptions about some of my friends. They can accept me. We were friends before they knew I was gay. Them knowing now doesn't change the fact that I was still gay before, despite them being ignorant of the fact. And now, they do know me - more fully than they did before. There are no deep dark secrets that can stand between us. And I can finally move forward. However, there is wisdom in discerning who I share this knowledge with. There are those who are neither safe nor trustworthy with knowing that I'm gay. I used to feel alone in the Church because of these kinds of people.

Now, because of God's grace, I am living my life as the Church with others and in community. This sense of freedom of being able to live and be the man that I am has allowed me the confidence to connect and interact with people like I never did before. I am no longer a fly on the wall. I am a part of my environment. Much more, I am affecting it. And this, I'm finding, is incredibly refreshing!