Lighten Up Thou Hypocrite!

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post called "The Rules Don't Change" where I pretty much ranted about the double standard that I perceived between straight and gay couples in regards to pre-marital (or pre-covenantal) sex. For whatever standard there is, I think that it should be the same for both straight and gay contexts. After writing it, I started to realize that my ideas about pre-marital sex were coming from my previously held beliefs (which were/are in large part pretty conservative). So I decided to challenge those beliefs to see if they'd float.

I began to inquire about people's thoughts in general about pre-marital sex and I discovered a host of Christian people that didn't necessarily hold to that same principle of abstinence. What? There are people that don't believe what I believe?! It wasn't that many of these people don't value the human body as a temple or that they don't value sex as something highly intimate, but that the concepts between relationships and commitment and covenant weren't as clearly defined in "my" nice little package of understanding how things "should" be. It's not that simple.

So here's what I had to own up to: it's way too easy for me to hold principles of having no pre-marital sex when I've never even been in a committed relationship with another guy. So I have to ask myself this question: if i were in a relationship, would i maintain those principles or would i move towards expressing my affection in sexual ways? On this particular issue, i sadly have to say, that given the opportunity (in a committed relationship), my principles would probably sink.

Thou hypocrite!

Does my own weakness mean that I was wrong? Well, I still think that whatever standard there is, it should be the same for both straight and gay contexts. And I still think, in principle, that sex should not be entered into outside of a committed relationship. Recognizing my weakness just means that maybe I don't really believe what I say I believe (about this issue). Or maybe it means I'm not a man of conviction or that I lack faith or that my faith is weak. Whatever. I don't know. But I'm realizing that I can't judge when the right time for a couple to have sex is. It's not my relationship. I would only hope that the couple honor the Lord by honestly seeking Him about it and making sure He's a part of the equation. This may involve sincere prayer, seeking of the Scriptures, and conversation with each other. Whether they call it commitment or covenant or whatever, at least they are looking to Christ and not just doing it haphazardly. I would hope that I would do the same thing when/if I am in a relationship.

Now I know that that probably makes some people feel a bit uncomfortable. It kinda still makes me uncomfortable. But, speaking only for myself, I have determined that I cannot decide for someone else what is right or wrong on this issue. I am not prepared to die for any position on this issue. After wrestling with it, I have concluded that it's not simply black or white. It's only black or white when it's theory. However, once it's personal - once you're dealing with a person you care deeply about, it's not so simple. And I don't have the answers. Not even for myself! Therefore, I can't hold someone else to a standard that I may not even be able to keep (or believe).

Regardless, I don't see this as a bunch of ought-to's and should's or can's and cannot's. It's not about religion or dogma or church doctrine. Rather, I see it as living out our lives in a way that is consistent with our faith. However, I can't judge this for someone else.

Here's the other thing. I need to lighten up! (or as one blog commenter said several weeks ago about a different topic, 'I need to get laid!'). I met with the pastor of The Tab yesterday afternoon and got her perspective on the issue. After talking with her, I realized that I need to apply a lot more grace to this than I had been. I need to gain broader understanding before jumping to judgment.

The non-Christ-centered gay community can be pretty promiscuous - not everyone but a good number of them. When many of these people begin the journey towards Christ, they do so with all the baggage and brokenness of past relationships. As the pastor, she believes that sex should be engaged in while in covenant between partners, but she also realizes that no one is going to go around to police the bedrooms. They can only live their lives according to the growth in their faith up until that moment. If they are in the process of growing, then we can't expect the kind of behavior from someone full grown in faith. So this may mean that they'll continue having sex only to realize later on that maybe they should have waited. But they will come to that conclusion on their own as they grow. They don't need me to condemn them and drive them further away from Christ. As a pastor, she simply wants to encourage them for the positive steps that they have taken - be it small or tiny. For them, even considering God in the context of their relationship is a huge step! So why tear them down for not doing what we think is right? (Here comes my new favorite word....) That's pretty arrogant of us.

So as i thought more about this, i noticed that what got me bothered by this issue in the first place was that I assumed that gay Christians in the Church (including the pastor) were just indiscriminately having sex. Straight people aren't "allowed" to (even though i'm sure they do), so then why should gay people be "allowed" to have sex? Then I realized that I was missing the point. It wasn't about compromising principles, it was about dealing with people where they are at, with grace, and continuing to point people to Christ so that they can grow in faith.

Discipleship. It's a process. Being a Christian isn't about the destination of being sinless. All of us, even current Christians are all simply growing.

So what i'm trying to say is i need to give people the grace to grow on their own at their own pace while trusting Jesus enough to be the Teacher, and at the same time, me not feeling the compulsion to have to tell them (as if I were making the decision for them). I make decisions all the time - some good, most bad - but i'm still "on the way" towards Christ - as we all are. But we have to make our own decisions - both good and bad.

Christ is a lot more patient with His kids than I am. Maybe I should be too.