Keeping the Closet Door Open

I feel like the more un-anonymous I become on this blog, the less authentic I feel free to be. When I know that certain people are reading, i'll find myself hesitating from writing about certain things. This is tough for me because I lose my outlet for processing my thoughts. It was so freeing at the start of Two World Collision when I was completely anonymous and I could pretty much write about whatever I wanted or about whatever I was feeling. Yet, at the same time, it was so freeing when I reached a point in my blog life when I was ready to "come out". I felt known.

When I self-edit myself on this blog, I can see myself following that pattern in my life of strategically presenting only the good parts of me to the world while keeping the rest of me in a closet - maybe not the gay closet, but my own closet . . . .

I don't want to do that. I don't want to continue living my life being inauthentic for the sake of potentially manipulating public opinion about me. I do want to be known. I want you to know who I am. And I do want to be a good witness of what Jesus is doing in my life. But my witness isn't that I'm "good", but my witness is that He is "good" and that He is "good" to me despite me. Two World Collision isn't about my journey of finding cohesion in what were two colliding worlds - colliding paradigms. It's about my ongoing journey of discovering who I am and revealing who I am. It's about finding the cohesion between the public Eric and the closet Eric.

Love me, hate me, know me for all of me. I'm not going to be the champion gay Christian. I'm not going to be perfect. I simply have a direction and I still have so much to figure out about all of this.

I shall continue taking the risk of being real here - even if it makes me look horrible and terrible and ugly and even imperfect. So here it is: I feel like I've made poor decisions over the past week and a half. I've been sad and tired. I've been impatient and on edge at work. I'm not happy with me right now.

I'm in a better place today, but all of last week I was doing all I could to hang in there.

I made a string of poor decisions last week. I subscribed to a 3 day trial membership at a porn site. I had a meaningless "hook up" with a guy. I've been eating fast food again.

Sometimes, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. One poor decision leads to another, then another, then another and the panic of being in the quicksand gives me cause to make the next poor decision. Each poor decision is a way to cope with feeling crappy about the previous poor decision. And I just hate myself more each time.

Damn it.

I know i've got a problem when the shaming behavior begins. I know i'm in this mode when I start hiding. It's when I close the door and turn down the computer's speakers so that my room mate can't hear what I'm watching on the Internet. It's when I wait to be home alone to call and arrange a hook up. It's when I quickly eat the (huge) burrito and (super) nachos and (large) fries and milk shake before my room mate gets home so that he doesn't see how much of a pig I'm being and then it's when I take out the trash (and evidence) down to the dumpster so that he doesn't see in our kitchen trash can what I had been eating. Or it's when I do use the kitchen trash can but I bury the fast food bag and wrappers down at the bottom and cover it with other trash and napkins.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' " (Genesis 3: 7-10)

It's not that i'm hard on myself. Well, maybe I am. But I'm also acknowledging the truth of what I know is wrong. I was in a group discussion last week about how some Christians (gay or straight) will rationalize some sin to be acceptable because it's "better" than doing something "worse". Is it okay to masturbate while looking at porn because it's "better" than actually having sex with someone? Is it okay to have oral sex because it's "better" than going "all the way"? Is it acceptable to gawk and stare at the hotties walking down the street because simply looking is "better" than touching and embracing? Is it okay to take the "lesser of two evils"?

I don't think so.

If both options are wrong, then it's still wrong. It's time to look for the third option. But look, i'm not legalistic about all of this. Yes, we have to call sin what it is but I realize there's the practical side of living life with temptations. I don't think that Jesus is waiting to bash me over the head because of the sin of the moment. I think that Jesus is more concerned about what's going on in my heart that led me to sin in the first place. It doesn't mean that He excuses what I've done. It just means that He's walking with me through what I've done.

If I am looking at porn, I think that Jesus is more concerned about my need for genuine physical intimacy and that I am expressing this need in broken ways through a love-substitute - lust. Yes, I do believe that God desires my obedience but I don't think His approach to correcting me is pointing His finger and saying, "Look at what you did! That was wrong!" Rather, I think Jesus' approach to addressing my sin is revealing to me my real need and providing grace for that. By meeting and healing the genuine need, my own attempt at meeting that need in an unhealthy way discontinues (or at the very least, subsides).

So yeah, what i've been doing is wrong. I've made poor decisions. And Jesus is walking with me through them.

I'm lonely. Some friends tell me that I'm a catch. I say this humbly but I don't disagree. My self-esteem isn't completely shot. It's just that my self-confidence takes a hit every time I see couples together enjoying the privilege of each other's touch. I want that. I want to be touched and I want him to want to touch me. It's so hard being 30 years old and not even having my first defined relationship. How much of a catch can I be?

So that's when I start believing the distorted thoughts that go through my mind - i'm ugly, i'm undesirable. I feel empty so I try to fill that feeling with food. Feeling full is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. I feel numb so I try to fill that feeling with masturbation. Feeling pleasure, even temporarily, is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. The porn and the fantasy and the food are simply tools that facilitate the feeling.

This is me just trying to understand what's going on inside. I'm not excusing my sin (and neither should you excuse my sin). But perhaps naming the need will help me to recognize "better" and healthier ways of meeting that need.

I unpacked all of this with my buddy the other day. We both have been having some very rough times in our personal lives the past several months. And we've been able to be the friend we each need. After last week, I hesitated from telling him about what I had been doing because I was afraid of what he'd think of me. That's silly because we both have confided in each other and the trust has been earned on both ends. But being vulnerable is always difficult.

In the past, I always felt like people left me when they knew too much of me. I think it's a wound that I've kept around ever since my elementary years when my parents divorced. It's like they knew that I was "gay" and so they divorced me. When I confided in friends, they never stuck around and so I felt like they divorced me. So it's easier to just not let people know me. The wall goes up and i'm selective as to how much of me my family and friends get to discover about me. They see a portion of me (the good parts) while the rest of me hides in my closet.

So the thing that me and my buddy are learning to do is keeping the closet door open (even if one of us are still inside). We may still need the safety of the closet. But with the door open, one can see in and know what's in there, and one can see out that the buddy hasn't run away. We're getting comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. We find a place where there is no judgment - and a friend who doesn't go any where when things get ugly.

Where does this all leave me now? I'm a little more aware of what I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling the way I do. It's super helpful to bounce thoughts and emotions off my buddy to help me process them. Last week, I just felt completely out of control - like everything was just happening to me and I couldn't stop messing up and the rushing waves were crashing over me and I was drowning. Whoa, actually I was feeling like Augustana's "Boston" video that I posted right before last week started. Hmm . . . interesting.

Anyway, where was I?

At the end of the day, I want to be real. I'm tired of just showing the world the flattering parts of who I am. There's more to me than the over achieving "good Christian". There's more to me than the gay guy who finally came out of the closet. There's also the part of me that needs that closet. For now, I'll just keep the door open and grow from there.