You Don't Wear My Chains

[Note: Scroll down to see Augustana's "Boston" lyrics and link to music video on YouTube.]

I don't usually pay much attention to those once in a blue moon disrespectful and uneducated negative comments from someone who barely reads a few random posts and decides he/she knows everything about me. I can handle disagreement or a difference in perspective but I'll usually only delete the hateful ones. Last week, some (Anonymous) terd decided to leave several similar ones in a few posts from months ago. Here's one that he left behind:

"There are people who have never heard of christ and they follow him alot better than you'll ever know how to (according to your writings). They will go to heaven one day. But people like you make sure that they won't everyday."

It's funny how some hateful people can't seem to say what they intend to say while leaving their name or showing their face. They'd rather say it in secret or in darkness or wearing some kind of a hood. All in the name of Christ, apparently.

It was the fear of these sorts of people that kept me in the closet - especially, in the Church. My assumption was that everyone thought that way and so I didn't dare allow anyone to know what was going on inside of me. No one knew how scared I was. No one knew how confused I was. No one knew how frustrated I was. No one knew how angry I was. No one knew how lonely I was.

There were times when I just wanted to run - far away where no one knew me. In 2001, I wanted to do just that. And that's one of the reasons why I came back to Long Beach. I wanted to get the hell out of Riverside, CA . . . .

I had lived there for 14 years. It is about 60 miles inland and I finished high school there. I tried my first round of university there. I had a couple full time jobs there. I was in ministry there.

By 2001, I made the biggest mistake of my life - literally - and I lived through the fall out of it all. I hit the figurative rock bottom and it was the most challenging chapter of my life. I moved away from Riverside and I was glad to go. I still have family that live there and so for the first two years after leaving, I'd always feel physically sick to my stomach every time I came back to visit. The memories and regrets and crashing waves that overtook me were overwhelming!

But the waves subsided.

Long Beach, CA is now my home. Perhaps I feel that it is because this is the place God restored me. This is the place he rebuilt what I thought was gone and lost. That which I thought I destroyed, He recreated and presented to me as new and different.

I was here before Riverside and now I'm back. It had been over a decade since I was last here and so there were few people still around that really knew me. In 2002, I had the opportunity of starting fresh. Now, four years later, I don't feel like I want to run or hide or start anything all over. I used to feel like I had nothing left to lose. Now, there's a reason for me to stay.

Augustana's "Boston" is one of my new favorite songs (even though the local radio plays it way too much) because I relate with the song. I understand the pain behind the lyrics. Long Beach is my Boston.

To the terd who left me those comments last week and thinks he knows all about me, just remember that you don't wear the chains I've had and that God removed from my wrists. And you've got no power to keep me bound.

"Boston" by Augustana

Click here to watch video.

In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear, you look so lost,
eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
yeah.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,

Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name.