No Longer A Fly On The Wall

I remember going to church and feeling so alone. There were times when I'd look around and watch people interact and it would almost feel like I wasn't even part of my own body - as if i was looking out through the windows of my eyes but never really being a part of the "outside" world. Sure I was "in" my body, but it was kind of like being invisible or even like being a fly on the wall - unnoticed. It was frustrating watching but never being able to take part. I watched couples - guys and girls holding hands, laughing, hugging, interacting.

It was somewhat paralyzing. Fear does that, I suppose. Fear of people knowing the darkest secret in my being. While Christians proclaim how important forgiveness is, I was so confident that it would never be offered if they really knew what was going on in this head of mine. How could I possibly be accepted by "my friends" if they knew I was one of "them". Gay.

But I'm a Christian. And I have been given freedom. The person I am is defined by who Christ says I am. A child of God - a son. Here it is, the ultimate acceptance from Him who tells me, "I died for you." And so I'm learning that I no longer need to "feel" paralyzed because there are no restraints. I do believe that I am not free to sin, for I belong to Him - bought at a price - however, I am free to be the man that I am. I am growing, changing, transforming to be more like Him. I'm not inclined to think that my sexuality was meant to be transformed but I do believe that the character of my life is. Regardless of what those who oppose my sexuality think, I bear the fruit of the Spirit. We may disagree about how Scripture is interpreted regarding sexuality, but the presence of God in my life cannot be denied. I am Christian. I am gay.

Of course, i've discovered that I was wrong about my assumptions about some of my friends. They can accept me. We were friends before they knew I was gay. Them knowing now doesn't change the fact that I was still gay before, despite them being ignorant of the fact. And now, they do know me - more fully than they did before. There are no deep dark secrets that can stand between us. And I can finally move forward. However, there is wisdom in discerning who I share this knowledge with. There are those who are neither safe nor trustworthy with knowing that I'm gay. I used to feel alone in the Church because of these kinds of people.

Now, because of God's grace, I am living my life as the Church with others and in community. This sense of freedom of being able to live and be the man that I am has allowed me the confidence to connect and interact with people like I never did before. I am no longer a fly on the wall. I am a part of my environment. Much more, I am affecting it. And this, I'm finding, is incredibly refreshing!

Band of Brothers and Sisters

I was chatting with a buddy of mine on the phone tonight while at the grocery store. We talked about the way that sometimes Christians fill up their schedules with things to do - many times church events - and that we don't allow ourselves to just "be" our faith, that is, to spend time doing what could possibly be the more important and perhaps even the more effective thing - building relationships.

I'll admit that I have a tendency to get busy on purpose - even when I have free time, it becomes busy time. Back in the day, I used to fill my calendar with the weekly routine of church culture. There was sunday school, sunday morning service, sunday evening service, mid-week Bible study, worship team practice, and of course the mens' saturday breakfast once every month. If there was a singles group, the meetings were promptly placed on my calendar. The church concert had to be scheduled in. The youth were having a car wash fundraiser so I had to support that. Let's not forget to come early to help set up chairs and sound equipment for service on sunday. And of course, there were the prayer meetings. In all these things, I thought I was a good Christian because I was "involved" in church.

But I've realized over the past four years or so that being involved in church didn't give me much time to be involved in people's lives . . . .

The way I was, I didn't know very many people who were not Christian. I knew lots of church people, but not very many real people (if you know what i mean). Now I'm hungry for relationships. But what if building relationships was "church"? I mean, what if the building of relationships was me simply being the "church" in this world? I think that within church culture, we have such a tendency to program-a-tize our faith. We have to put some kind of structure so that it can be easy to define and identify whether or not we are "doing" church. But what if living it was more important than doing it?

Some people may take a look at my calendar and assess that I "go" to two (maybe three) churches. Does this make me an uncommitted person? Does this make me a "church-hopper"? I don't think so. I see it as me being a part of one church - God's Church - and that I am simply connecting with His people in various pockets. While I do acknowledge some value in the traditional and institutional model/structure of "church" (see also "Death of a church and Life in the Hot Zone" and "Jumping The Walls"), I also think that less structured associations of believers who are relationally connected is also a valid expression of "church". I think that we can be a group of like-minded (perhaps not even that in some areas) people who are committed to each other but not necessarily committed to the structure that brings us together. I think that our commitment to each other makes us more of a "church" than does our commitment to the "church" organization as a member.

What if we were more focussed on being the Church than on whether or not our activities allowed us to be called a "church"? What if we were so committed to each other in our relationships that we really got to know each other? What if we began to care for, love, and trust one another? What if we understood each other and knew that we could count on each other to call our "crap" on the carpet - keeping each other accountable? What if we were not so co-dependent of our relationships with each other and totally felt comfortable and even encouraged new people to be a part of our little band of brothers and sisters? What if we were less committed to doing the routine of "church" and more committed to routinely being the "church" with each other? What if instead of saying that we'll have bible study every friday night, we committed to doing something every friday night - together? Let's go to the bar. Let's go to the park. Let's go down to the beach and baptize one of us. Let's hang out in the living room reading Ephesians. Let's make dinner for one of our grand parents. Let's bring dinner to the neighbors who just had a baby. What if we did all these things and decided to go to a sunday morning service too? Or maybe we didn't. What if we didn't program-a-tize the "how-to's" and "to-do's" of church and instead simply committed to regularly and intentionally being the church together?

I know it seems "out-of-the-box" for some people. But normal friendships aren't program-a-tized. If we're going to be the Church with each other and in our community of people who don't yet know Jesus, instead of dragging them to a church building early on a sunday morning or on a friday night to sit in a chair for 45 minutes to listen to some person they don't even know talk at them, then let's be a Church of normal relationships. The other is just plain weird.

Confession of Unrestraint

I'll have to admit that it's felt good to explore what it means to be both gay and Christian. It's been liberating to be able to verbally express my same sex attractions with a trusted friend. However, saying that I am both gay and Christian doesn't necessarily mean that I have been a consistently Christ-centered gay person. My confession is that there have been times that I've allowed myself to entertain lustful thoughts in my mind unrestrained while using the excuse of "being free" to be gay.

Now, to be clear, I am NOT suggesting that admitting that I'm gay (or at least that I have same sex attractions) is automatically equated with lustful thoughts. Desiring a committed, monogamous, and lifelong relationship is very much different from being fixated on sex - whether straight or gay. Lust is simply an inappropriate and broken expression of love.

For the past week or so, I have been chewing on Galatians 2:20 which says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." The pastor over at ODM happened to give a sermon out of that passage this morning. The timing was great for me since the Lord had been convicting my heart about these things already.

I have freely chosen to follow Christ. I continue to serve Him with my life. Being "crucified with Christ" involves having Christ as my center - not me, not my potential partner (or the idea of him), not my being gay, and not even this journey that I'm on. Jesus Himself is my center and my relationship with Him should continually be nurtured so that I am shaped by Him. It also means that I no longer claim the freedom to indulge in lustful thoughts. I don't think that this necessarily excludes wanting a monogamous and loving relationship - straight or gay. However, I do believe that me being Christ-centered should shape the context of my same sex attractions - rejecting lust and allowing myself to love properly. I pray that I will remember these things along this journey I'm on.

We Love You...Just Not Your Parents

Last week, I had been chewing on Isaiah 58, which contrasts the outward go-through-the-motions religiousness versus the actual living out of our faith. One verse in particular (v.6) says, "Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?"

I've always known that there was a large sense of activism within the gay community but I never really acknowledged it before since they were on the "other" or "wrong" side. Last night, at one of the discussion groups at the GLBT Center, we were talking about how it feels to not have many of the same legal privileges that married straight couples have. For the first time, I realized just how much of a sense of justice that this community has. That sense of "This should not be!" is something I see in both the Christian and the Gay community. At least, you'd figure....

This morning, I found out about this article in the Washington Post that talked about a 14 year old girl who was expelled from her Christian high school here in Southern California because her parents are lesbians (in a committed relationship for the past 22 years). This is a school that is supposedly providing a Christian education to young teenagers. Nevermind the fact that these parents wanted a "Christian education" for their daughter. Nevermind the fact that this article says nothing about whether or not this student was gay or not. What does this kind of school policy communicate about Christ (or the Church) to these students?

"Love the sinner, hate the sin" . . . riiiiight!

Scrubbing Off Freckles

"Love the sinner, hate the sin."

I used to use that phrase. I used to preach that phrase. Well intentioned as I may have been, I hadn't realized the damage I was doing when I said this to people. I hadn't been quite as self-aware of how much damage it did in me.

13 years ago, at the age of 16, there was a certain hope that I had. I became a Christian. I had accepted Christ as He was. My hope was twofold: that Christ would in turn accept me and that His Church would accept me as well. For 13 years, Jesus has kept me close to His side with both embracing and protecting arms. I love Him for that. His Church appeared to do the same.

On the surface, there was a sense of belonging - a sense of fellowship. I was a part of something bigger than myself, the Church and Body of Christ, and I had (have) a place in it. It was good to be known on Sunday mornings and it was great to have smiling faces hug me or shake my hand telling me that it was "good to see me". It was good to be seen. But was I? Was I really being seen?

Deep down, there was still a fear of rejection from those of whom I thought loved me . . . .

Inherent within the Church dynamic there was a culture that denied me access to the light. A part of me, hidden in darkness, secrecy, confusion, and shame could never be revealed because I knew that that fear would be realized. I had rejected myself. I felt that my family rejected me. I felt that society rejected me. And if they ever knew, the Church would also reject me.

I was being held hostage. The Church would say that it was my sin keeping me captive. Yet, this journey of mine, that Christ Himself entered me in, is revealing that it was the Church behind the blind fold. Behind their statements and acts of love towards me, there was also a passive inference that they hated me. "Love the sinner, hate the sin." They like to tell themselves that claiming this reveals their righteousness. But they fail to realize that none of us, neither them nor I, can make such a separation. The very question of whether or not the sinner is the sin makes the statement so difficult.

Many people in the gay community have a tremendous hostility towards the Church. Can they say the same thing? "Love the Christian, hate the hypocrisy." Anyone who has spent much time with a hostile person can begin to feel very quickly that this person really doesn't like me. In people's eyes, our behavior is attached to our being. So a culture that continually tells me that they hate what I do is actually communicating to me that they hate what I am.

But what if I start believing it myself? "Love myself, hate my sin." The seeds of self-hatred have been planted and cultivated and it's only a matter of time before it bears fruit. Suicide. How can I live with such an ingrown dissatisfaction, even disdain, when I look in the mirror? How can the Church, who makes such claims to loving me, not notice my profound loneliness - the heart-wrenching battle of simply trying to love myself enough to continue living? How can the Church not see the fall-out that results in my life when hearing "Love the sinner, hate the sin" only makes me hate myself? I thought it was good to see me! But it wasn't me that they were seeing. They were seeing the Eric that they wanted me to be - the one who loved God, served the Church, and was happy.

I think it's a form of covert sexual abuse. Sexual abuse occurs when one dominates another - when one person's sexuality is imposed on someone else. The Church culture, because of its historical and traditional interpretations (or misinterpretations according to some) of Scripture, operates with the prevailing assumption that everyone should be straight. Further, it communicates the belief that homosexuality is subordinate and that heterosexuality is superior. This is referred to as "heterosexism". When heterosexuality is imposed on those who are not, this is a form of covert sexual abuse.

It's also a form of covert spiritual abuse. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" implies an eternal condemnation regardless of how the phrase is watered down by the claim to love. A confused and vulnerable Christian has no choice but to submit when hell is the only alternative. Here in Southern California, there is a particular sect called the L.A. Church of Christ that believes they are the only "true" church. They believe that one must be baptized in water by one of their church members in order to be saved. They believe that one must submit to their disciplers. They believe that one must only romantically date others within their church solely. According to Gregory Koukl, "Eternal life is witheld from those who fail their rigid tests, and is reserved instead for the few elite who can maintain the rigorous requirements of their sect." Is this any different from those within the Church who would deny homosexuals from being acknowledged as Christian unless they repent and become heterosexual? "You cannot be gay and Christian!"

I have these dark dirty looking spots on my arm that I'm trying to rub off. I want my arm to be clean! I anxiously try to rub them off but they won't go away. I try using water and they won't come off. My arm must be clean! The Church offers me soap and I frantically scrub but the spots remain. My arm must be clean! Constantly scrubbing, harder and faster, and nothing removes the spots. The Church is worried that my arm is unclean. Together we work at it, the Church family and I, scrubbing and rubbing, and my arm is red with irritation. The spots remain and my arm is sore. My arm is unclean. I begin to realize why the spots won't go away but the Church is adamant that they must be removed. Keep scrubbing. My arm is unclean. I know why the spots remain, but the Church keeps scrubbing for me. Because of their commitment to me, a team is assigned to keep scrubbing and a team is assigned to pray. Pray for him. Something is wrong. My arm is red, sore, and bleeding from scratches. The spots remain. The Church wants to amputate my arm. Cut it off. What should I do? How do I tell them that I know why they won't come off?

The spots are only freckles.

Anonymously Known

I'm gradually finding out that people I know out there in the "real world" (outside of cyberspace) are making their way here to Two World Collision. I've actually tried to keep this blog under the radar from anyone I may actually interact with so that I can feel free enough to process my life (including the relationships in my life). The funny thing is that i've done a pretty poor job at the whole anonymity thing because i've left enough clues here and there from post to post to where anyone who really wanted to could find out my real identity. And at the same time, if anyone I know stumbled upon this blog not knowing that it was me, they could easily figure out that 'hey, I know this Eric!'

So if you know who I am - Welcome! If you don't know who I am - you'll get to know me through the blog. Either way, I invite you along this journey of mine! Anyone is welcome to email me at twoworldcollision(AT)yahoo(DOT)com. I figured that it may be a good idea now to do a bit of house keeping so that whoever is reading this (those who know me, those who don't, regulars, occassional readers, or visitors) can read these things knowing the proper context of my intent and heart.

First of all, please know that this blog started out primarily for me to have an outlet of processing my thoughts along this journey. Having a certain anonymity allowed me to do that. Even though I know that some of you may know me, I'm going to try my best to stay true to that purpose in my writing. These are my raw thoughts that may or may not necessarily reflect my actual positions, opinions, or convictions about various subjects. If i'm writing about it here, i'm simply chewing on it so that I can figure out what I believe about it. However, it's important for me to be able to be "me" without having to put up any facades for anyone that I may "think" is reading. In this context, this blog is for me.

Secondly, please know that this blog is my chronicle of this journey of mine exploring clashing worlds - my faith vs. my sexuality, my previously held beliefs vs. my challenging of old paradigms, my "straight" context vs. my "gay" context, my facades vs. my real self, and my public ministry life vs. my personal relationships. If you notice me overly pointing out that this or that or he or she is "gay" or "straight", then it's simply as a means of making a distinction in relation to potentially colliding worlds - otherwise, I could care less. As a chronicle, this is a journal that tells my story. Hopefully, in my story people can discover that they are not alone. This is a means for people to relate. At the same time, hopefully this will open a fresh perspective for those not familiar with the gay context (and especially in relation to faith). In this context, this blog is for you.

Thirdly, please know that this blog is about process and conversation. I ask alot of questions, not necessarily looking for answers per se, but because I'm interested in where those questions lead me. Asking the questions stimulate the conversation about things that many people are choosing not to talk about. I believe that these conversations are especially useful when they are about things that challenge us - things that force us to wrestle with previously held beliefs. I believe that when we challenge our paradigm, we are actually shaping it. So I encourage you to enter into this process and conversation - with yourself, with the Lord, with me, with others reading this blog (or in cyberspace), and with others in the real world (your world). In this context, this blog is for us.

I pray that God would accomplish His purposes through this blog far beyond my own intent in starting it and writing in it. I don't presume to know all there is to know about truth - but then again, that's the point.

If this is your first time here, you can check out links on the left side column to read more about me or about others on a similar journey. I suggest you check out some of the links on the right side column if you'd like to catch up on things you've missed!

Also, be sure to check in here!

Thanks for coming by!
Eric

Who Get's the "Okay, You're In"?

My public ministry partner and I met with a guy this afternoon to discuss our plans to host a dinner for pastors of the city and their spouses. The guy jokingly made a comment regarding the gay churches. One of the things he said was that he can't get around the idea that these "gay Christians" continually choose to live a life of intentional sin.

That statement reveals alot about his attitude and perspective.

If we unpack that statement, his underlying assumption is that it's a sin. While he may use biblical reference to justify that it indeed is a sin, gay Christians can also use biblical reference to justify the context of their loving relationships. If both can use biblical reference, it appears that the conflict is in both sides' interpretation of their biblical references regarding the sinfulness of gay relationships. His statement also doesn't make the distinction between celibate gay Christians and Christ-centered gay couples.

I notice that he focuses on the part of the gay Christians' lifestyles that he considers to be sin. This presumes that this disqualifies them from being Christians. Does sin disqualify individuals from being Christian? What qualifies people to be considered Christian? Is it the work of Christ or the work of our own righteousness? Are we considered Christian if we commit intentional sin?

Are prideful Christians not really Christians? Are alcoholic Christians not really Christians? What about Christians who smoke? Do drugs? Work excessively? Eat excessively? Use profanity excessively? Indulge in sexual addiction such as pornography? What about Christians who dishonor their parents? Get divorced? Committed adultery? Refuse to tithe? How about Christians who are poor stewards of their finances? What about Christians who occassionally lust over someone they see on the street or on television or on the movie screen? How about Christians who steal things from work? Run a red traffic light? Lie to their employer?

Do any of these things disqualify a Christian from being a Christian? Is a gay Christian more gay or more Christian? What if he/she is a Christ-centered gay person? Even if one holds the interpretation that participating in a committed and monogamous gay relationship is a sin, does it overshadow the fact that the same individual has accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior?

What's more important, that a person is a sinner or that a person has been redeemed? Couldn't we focus more on the fact that we are brothers and sisters because of Christ rather than thinking that we are enemies because of our sin? Why is it that some Christians within the Church feel like they can disqualify certain people from receiving the grace and mercy of God? Why is that some feel like they are Heaven's gatekeepers? Who really get's to determine which individual is "in" and which individual is "out" and on what grounds?