Vulnerable Again

There are so many things I've wanted to write and say here for the past several months. I know it's been awhile since I've really laid it all out - allowed myself to be completely raw. To be honest, i'm fighting for authenticity and i'm finding that hard because I don't feel safe. I know that I "am" safe. I just don't "feel" safe. It's hard to be authentic with you when I'm barely holding on trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again.

It's okay to be vulnerable again. Tell me it's okay to be vulnerable again.

Things have changed. And ironically, nothing has changed . . . . While on the one hand, I feel excited about fresh vision for what God wants me to do in the community. Yet on the other hand, there's me. The thing is . . . as much as I enjoy being able to help connect other people together, I'm perpetually longing to be connected myself. How can I help others do what I can't seem to do myself? Surely there are others better suited to receive and carry out a God-given vision. And still, there's this passion in me that drives me forward. If there are others out there who feel the way I do, I want to help because I think at the end of the day it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

There's this constant battle within me - yet another collision. I want to change the world but I feel like I can't do that until I change me. Perhaps I want to change the world because I can't change me. Or maybe I just want to be the kind of help for others that I'm desperately lacking. Maybe i'm always trying to serve other people's needs because I have needs. Perhaps, I just relate.

I'm okay admitting the fact that I'm broken. No, i'm not broken because I'm gay. My genes and my sexuality don't make me broken. Of anything, it's a [side X] culture that denies us from growing and developing socially and authentically that breaks our spirits (as if those gays are some kind of animals needing to be tamed). But no, i'm not broken because I'm gay. I'm broken because I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of my life - trying to use God's clues to discover where I fit.

Is it wrong to have a personal motive in trying to "give"? Am I just trying to help myself feel significant in this world? Is it wrong to just want to matter? Does admitting this make my cause for the community less virtuous? Less righteous? Can I just reclaim my right and my choice to be authentic, real . . . again. Dunno. But what I do know is that the many hills and valleys on this journey of mine brings me still closer to Christ admitting to Him that I still find it hard to look in the mirror. If I can't look at me, how can I really let you look at me? And so the hiding begins.

Maybe it's me that I don't feel safe with. Hmm . . . .

*exits closet*

I wish I could be this awesome success story for you and say that I once was lost but now I'm found - I once was confused and now I understand - I once was sad and now I'm happy - I once experienced a collision of worlds and now I've achieved cohesion.

But I can't.

The truth is - my story isn't finished yet. I still have much to battle, much to overcome, much to sort through. There's much too much to say I've succeeded at anything except the fact that I'm still on this journey - treading this path, continuing to walk towards my Christ, and along the way crying like a baby, laughing like a kid, imagining like a dreamer, learning like a student and pressing forward like a young man imperfect, forgiven, and graciously understood by his God.