I'd Rather Be Honest Than Impressive

Being authentic can be embarrassing. In fact, it can make me kinda want to be inauthentic just for the sake of not looking like a basket-case, or worse . . . desperate.

I'll try to resist the temptation of being fake. I went to a Jay Brannan show Saturday night (which was absolutely awesome!!!) and he sang a song with a lyric that truly resonated with me. He said, "I'd rather be honest than impressive."

At the end of the day, my journey has been about discovering my own authenticity - first with myself, then with you. Being in the closet for so many years produced a dualistic persona - neither the closet-Eric nor the public-Eric were completely me. Coming out, for me, has never been about accepting myself to be gay or even presenting myself to the world as gay. Coming out is about exploring my authenticity, not my sexuality . . . .

So despite how embarrassing and uncomfortable I can feel about unpacking something raw here on this blog, i'd rather be honest with myself about how I feel. Or at the very least, for right now, acknowledge the fact that I haven't been honest with myself. The truth is that lately, I've been consciously forcing myself to deny any feelings of interest towards a person because i'm thoroughly tired of being disappointed. I found myself yelling (at myself) in the car like a crazy schizo person, "What the hell are you doing? Stop it! No! Quit doing that! You are NOT going to start liking him!"

I've been trying to condition myself not to like anyone because I'm afraid of being hurt when I realize that the "interest" is simply a one-way crush. Yeah, that's a punch in the gut. I know i'm just trying to protect myself. It's probably best that I not date until I can get out of this mode of cynicism. Either way, I want to move on with my life. It's just that sometimes, I'm frickin fed up because I feel like I can't figure out what other friends around me who are coupled (or are connecting) seem to have figured out.

I dunno. I suppose I can't like him (and expect him to like me back) if I don't even like me half the time. I know, I know - that's not so attractive. I get it. I'm just writing this out so that I can get past it.

So where am I at now with this? Well, okay maybe I do like him. That's honest. But just because I do, it doesn't mean I have to express it to him. If he's interested, he'll have to make the first move in expressing it. By default, I'll assume he's not interested in me and we'll just become better friends. And what of authenticity? Hey, i'm taking baby steps here. So what if I'm a little guarded. Besides, I don't want to get sucker-punched again.