Wanting Someone To Choose Me

Pardon me, but I'm interrupting this series of road trip vacation blog posts to process some raw thoughts that i've been having since before I left for this trip. Things and thoughts have kinda escalated since then and i'm feeling pretty crappy about things. I'll resume the posts about the vacation soon - we left Louisville, KY and have been in Indianapolis, IN for the past couple days. We leave in the morning for Grand Rapids, MI. So stay tuned for that because i'll have pics to share.

For right now though, I just need to be real.

I think i'm feeling pretty romantically rejected. Jeez, what the frickin' hell is wrong with me? I mean, seriously. It's like i'm the freak that NO ONE in their right mind would consider dating. Am I really that hard to connect with? How can I NOT feel undesirable when every time I begin to develop feelings for someone, it is NEVER mutual? For long, at least. I mean, damn it!

Sigh.

Okay, so what the hell happened to Eric this time?

Remember almost two weeks ago, I briefly mentioned that I was hanging out with this guy that really peaked my interest? I said that we had both expressed interest in each other and we were just taking things slow and that we connected on many levels, blah blah blah. Well, I received a message from this guy about a week and a half ago saying that he and his ex were "working things out" . . . .

What the frickin' hell is up with that? We hung out several times and both expressed interest in each other. We both articulated feeling like we both connect. And so now he's revisiting potentially getting back with his ex-boyfriend? So here's the thing. He spent enough time with me to figure out whether or not he wants to spend more time with me. And yet, after that he chooses to go back to the guy he broke up with rather than continuing to connect with me.

Here's the kicker too - this past Sunday night I received a phone call from the ex-boyfriend saying, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't text my boyfriend." WTF? First of all, he never communicated to me that they were "boyfriends" again. He simply told me that they had been talking and working things out. Whatever. Secondly, who the hell does he think he is? He's marking his territory like some kind of animal pissing around and telling me to stay away from his man. And this is the kind of possessive machismo guy (who is too insecure about his "boyfriend" receiving text messages and hanging out with someone else) that he chooses to continue working things out with instead of choosing to connect with me further? Plus, he couldn't tell me himself? I had to hear it from the exboyfriend that he's no longer the ex and he tells me to back off?!

Do you see how this can make me feel both angry and frickin unwanted? From what he discovered about me thus far was not enough for him to want to choose me.

Is it so bad to want someone to choose me?

I must sound utterly pathetic. The confusing part is that when I take a step back and look at myself, I don't see someone who is pathetic. I don't see a loser. I don't see this guy who no one in their right mind would want to date. I do think I'm a catch. I think. Wait, right?

In one instance, I crushed on a guy who I had been getting to know for a year and we were good friends. I was hopeful because I *thought* that I was seeing certain "signals" of interest. It became clear that he doesn't see me as anything more than friends. After knowing me, he didn't choose me.

In another instance, I started communicating with someone over a period of months. At the time, we were mutually interested and even, for a time, were physically affectionate towards one another. But eventually, he wanted to just be friends. After connecting with me, he didn't choose me.

In three other (separate) instances, I went on some dates with guys that I just didn't feel a connection with.

In the most recent instance with the one and his ex, I was really hopeful about this one. He really did make me smile inside. We had common interests, common heart, common passion, common vision, common interest in each other. But he still didn't choose me.

There was also this guy that I had been interested in but we hadn't really spent much time with each other yet because I wasn't around all that much. But I was definitely interested in this guy. So much so that I was even ready to ask him out on a date after vacation. Well tonight, I spoke on the phone with a good friend of mine who hesitantly told me that this guy that i'm interested in just sent my friend an email asking him for a date. Another guy who didn't choose me.

Why is it so hard for me to get on someone's radar? Why is it so hard to experience a mutual connection with someone and to have that progress further? I've never been in an actual relationship. I've gone on dates but I've never had a boyfriend. Why?

It seems like I tend to crush on guys that are unavailable or not ready for a relationship. At least, that is, that's just what they're telling me. Maybe they are just watering down the fact that they simply are not *in to* me.

I dunno. This just sucks though. It's not that I'm desperate. It's that I want to feel connected with someone more intimately than the hundreds of platonic friendships that I have. Is it okay to just want to be with someone of whom we could walk through life together? Is it okay just to want someone to like me enough to want to court me?

To be honest, there's a part of me that seriously wants to just give up on the hope of a romantic relationship. I'd like to just say screw it all! I'll stay single.

Look. I know I'm not perfect. I know I haven't figured all this out. I'll be the first to admit that i'm still trying to navigate these relationship waters. There are times when I crush. There are times when I fall for someone. There are times when I just enjoy good fun with someone (for a time). But at the end of the day, I just want something mutual and reciprocal.

Is that much to ask for?