The Day After Gratitude

I hate having to write a downer post during the Holidays - especially this one that's supposed to be so full of gratitude. It's just that I hate the rollercoaster. I love it. But I hate it.

Steve and Warren commented two posts ago about how they noticed how blessed I am by my circle of friends. I agree. I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful and diverse friends. I've also been excited about recently coming in contact with three separate friends from my past - all in different parts of the world - and we've re-established contact via email, myspace, or text message all in the past three weeks. Something's happening because I can sense God shifting things and placing people in my life. I even came out to my two nieces via myspace.

I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have, but at the same time, I'm still so lonely because I do want a companion. But in me being so hard up for being with someone, i'll find that i'll take my friends for granted. Sigh. It's just that, I want an intimacy that wouldn't necessarily be healthy or appropriate with my circle of friends. Friends are friends. But, if i'm honest, I do want more. And it's hard when I see friends around me beginning that process of dating someone and then starting to fall for that person. I'm happy for them, sure, but I long for that. I want to fall for someone. I want to have that special feeling that's reserved for a certain person. I want to know that someone reserves that special feeling for me.

Yesterday, I went to spend the day with my family and enjoyed seeing them. Last Christmas, I told my family that I found reconciliation with my faith and sexuality and I asked them how they'd feel if I brought someone home for the holidays. They were all supportive. I still haven't done that yet. I would have wanted to bring someone home for them to meet - someone I cared for. I drove back home alone. Again.

There's still so much of me that i'm trying to figure out. For starters, why am I still single?

LOL, damn it. There are days when i both love and hate the journey.

Where am i going again?