My Parents Before The Divorce

Some of the most moving scenes for me in Brokeback Mountain were the parts of Ennis and his wife Alma. As I watched them, it took me to a place I had never considered before. What must it have been like for my father and mother when they were still married?

If you’d asked me to recall a memory from my childhood, a vivid one that always comes to mind is when I was standing next to my dad near the stairs as he yelled out profanities towards my mom across the house in the kitchen. I was ten years old.

I held a lot of bitterness in my heart towards my dad after the divorce. It was tough. But once I found out that my dad is gay, things started to make sense . . . .

I used to think back to those times in Hawaii and wonder what the real reason was why they got divorced. Was it really my fault? After all, I was gay and they had to know, right? They argued because of me, they were disappointed in me, right? Or was it really my dad’s fault? He just was never happy with anything, right? He constantly found fault with everything my mom did, right? Or was it really my mom’s fault? She just wasn’t good enough, right? She wasn’t pleasing to my dad, right?

It’s crazy to think back on the kinds of things that go through a child’s mind. I know it wasn’t my fault that my parents got divorced. I know it wasn’t my dad’s fault. I know it wasn’t my mom’s fault. I figured out that it was my brother’s fault – the jerk! *smirk* (LOL, I’m absolutely kidding, really, I love my brother! Hehe).

I’ve spoken to both my parents separately and they would both accuse the other of infidelity. Hmm. Alright, who’s telling the truth? Perhaps both of them were. I don’t know. But I’ve now got a glimpse of how complicated their marriage must have been. Now that I know that my dad is gay, in the closet, and at the time was in the U.S. Air Force, I can somewhat understand the dynamic that must have been going on between my mom and dad romantically and sexually. I know what it’s like to be in the closet. It’s frustrating and lonely. How much more must it have been that way for my dad in a marriage?

If (and I emphasize the “IF”) it’s true that my mom was unfaithful, I don’t exactly blame my mom for it. And I can also imagine that along with the anger that my dad must have been feeling, whether he knew for sure that she was doing that or even if he only suspected it, my dad must have felt jealous – envious even – because he wanted to be with a man and couldn’t (or at least, he made the choice to deny himself). I used to have those same feelings when my female friends got boyfriends. I was so jealous because I wanted to be with her boyfriend instead of her.

If (and I emphasize the “IF”) it’s true that my dad was unfaithful, I don’t exactly blame him either because I understand what it’s like to burn with passion for another guy. The frustration of never being socially allowed to embrace a man in such a way is absolutely overwhelming. I can imagine the mix of anger, confusion, and sorrow that my mom must have been feeling knowing that my dad was (or may be) with another man. She must have felt betrayed and used. (My mom implied to me once that she felt like my dad used her just to make kids – I’ve got three other siblings, I’m the youngest.) She must have felt so inadequate sexually as a woman thinking that she wasn’t good enough and so he had to go to a man to be pleased. She must have felt so lonely because she couldn’t tell anyone and she must have been too ashamed to let anyone know. I used to have those same feelings when a male friend of whom I was crushing on got a girlfriend. I’d feel so inadequate because he didn’t desire me the way I desired him. Of course, he was straight, but still. I envied the girl because I wanted to be with my friend instead of her.

Whether or not infidelity is right or wrong is not the issue. I’m not implying that it’s acceptable. But what I am saying is that understanding the context of their marriage helps me to be more compassionate towards them for making the decision to get divorced. I can understand why they argued so much. I can understand why they never seemed happy. I can understand how they might have taken their frustrations out on us kids, at times.

Of anything it makes me value marriage all the more. It makes me grateful that I am out of the closet. I no longer have to put on the charade of looking straight – entertaining the idea of marrying a woman just so that people wouldn’t suspect that I am gay. I no longer have to worry about having a marriage that could potentially end in divorce – like my mom and dad’s or even like Ennis and Alma’s. I no longer have to worry about putting my wife through the hell of lying to her, not telling her why I’m not completely satisfied, and making her feel guilty or unattractive.

Instead, I can engage in relationships honestly. And in the context of a serious romantic relationship, I can entertain the idea of marriage knowing that I actually do love him and that we’ll enjoy each other’s company for the rest of our lives.

Here’s a side note (more like a soapbox) but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now: what is it exactly that opponents of gay marriage would have me do? Marry a woman while sacrificing both of our happiness and ultimately ending up divorcing each other anyway. Yeah, that’ll preserve the institution of marriage. I think it’s just easier for them to close their eyes, wave their finger in the air back and forth, and yell out “no, no, no” while denying me the same legal right that my other fellow American citizens have. They refuse to see that two men happy together for the rest of their lives who KEEP their marriage vows is better than a man and a woman unhappy together who ultimately BREAK their marriage vows. Yeah, I know, they would rather insist that I not marry at all! Who are THEY to insist that upon me? (I’ll stop there because I can already tell I’m starting to get worked up about it).

Anyway, where was I?

I love my parents. I don’t blame them anymore. They both did the best they could at the time. Regardless of what happened in the past, today things are better. My family knows that I’m gay and they do not reject me for it. They know that some day I’ll have a boyfriend and ultimately a husband – yes, husband. (Although, I think my mom is still holding out for me to marry a nice Filipino girl.) Both my parents now live in Southern California and for the second holiday family gathering in a row, the entire family has been present – both parents, all my siblings and all the kids. It’s great! Sure my parents have residual issues but at least they can be (somewhat) civil with each other in the same room. I’m thankful for the way God has redeemed the relationships in my family because there were some pretty tough times.

Today, I discovered two blogs that I thought were interesting. The first is Accidental Christian – a blog by Eddy, a gay man in the closet who is a pastor and has come out to his wife. The other is Sh-out – a blog by Bea, Eddy’s wife, who was dragged into the closet that Eddy has been in. I read both of their blogs at the same time from the beginning – switching back and forth as the days chronologically progressed – and it was interesting to read about similar events from each of their perspectives, baggage, and pain. They both definitely talk about colliding worlds and so I decided to add a new section at the bottom of the left column of this blog. It’s called “Well, My Spouse Is Gay. Where Does That Leave Me?” Be sure to check them all out!

Update: See follow up post here - "A Community Familiar With Rejection"