Living Life As All Of Me

What does it look like to be both gay and Christian?

I may never be able to fully answer that question. However, the best I can do for now - on this part of my journey - is to be me.

While there may be numerous characteristics of 'me', I am only one person. And I have to believe that God is concerned about my whole person. He's not simply concerned about the part of me that works. He's not simply concerned about the part of me that plays. I believe that He's concerned and cares for my whole self - my personality, my sexuality, my spirituality, my physiology.

Often times, I'll compartmentalize my life and my being. There's the Eric who works the non-profit organization (what i typically refer to as the 'public ministry'). There's the Eric who 'goes to' church. There's the Eric who exercises regularly at the gym. There's the Eric who (used to) go to school. There's the Eric at home alone. There's the Eric around this group of friends. There's the Eric around that group of friends. Am I the same person in each of these contexts? Or have I compartmentalized the person I am depending on who I was with and what I was doing?

Can someone fully love me if he or she doesn't fully know me?

One of the hardest things for me about being in the closet was/is feeling like I'm not fully known . . .

There's a part of me that's always hidden. But, as a Christian, I am called to be and remain in the light. That implies being seen - by God and by others. Granted, how much of me is visible should be discerned with wisdom because some people aren't safe enough for me to be completely known. However, I wonder what it would look like if I helped to create safe environments where people could be themselves as much as possible.

Perhaps it would look like me helping people to feel comfortable with being the person they are - regardless of their degree of faith, their race, their economic class, their gender, or their sexuality. Perhaps it would look like me respecting them enough to look into their eyes and see their heart. Perhaps it would look like me demonstrating sincere love - responding to identified needs. Perhaps it would look like me nurturing a relationship with people minus any Churchian agenda - allowing them to experience what it's like to be valued simply because they are worth loving.

Could this be an environment where I can, in turn, feel safe as well? A place where I can feel comfortable being the person I am? A place where I can be respected enough to be looked in the eyes and to have my heart seen? A place where my needs are identified and met? A place where a relationship with me is nurtured?

Maybe it's okay for all of us to live life together 'in the light'. Maybe it's okay for all of us, in community, to intentionally strive to know one another more and more - the good, the bad, the ugly. Perhaps, to be more known means to live less compartmentalized lives.

The Eric among the Church community is the same Eric at the dance club. The Eric at the bar is the same Eric at the gym. The Eric at the party is the same Eric at work. The Eric with the friends is the same Eric with the family. I think being both gay and Christian is about being whole. It's about living life as all of me. I love Jesus. I'm attracted to men. I strive to live the Way Jesus modeled - loving all people properly. I am the man God created. I am becoming the man God created me to be. I am growing. I am learning. I am stretching. I am alive.

I've been wrestling with my degree of anonymity on this blog. Should I allow people - you all - to see what I look like? Should I post my photo? It's felt liberating to have this blog as an outlet for my feelings - a place for raw thoughts. As I've journeyed these several months, I look back and I realize that one of the things I wanted most was to be able to own what I believe rather than simply accepting what other people have previously taught. It's my journey and I'm exploring, not my sexuality, but rather, my life. I'm exploring what it looks like to live life - to live out my faith.

So here it is. All of me. A photo of Eric, author of Two World Collision:

In all honesty, being anonymous on this blog comes from a place of fear. I'm afraid of what may happen if I am fully known. I may be persecuted. I may be rejected. The people relationally or professionally connected to me may be effected. My worlds colliding. However, this fear leads to hiding and it is contrary to the intent of this blog - for me to be known to myself and to others.

I have my share of struggles, battles, anchors, regrets, and shame. Perhaps, one day I'll think that making myself this vulnerable is a mistake. However, in my weakness and imperfection, I realize His strength, goodness, righteousness, grace, mercy, and purpose. I've seen the Lord use me, despite me, and I continue to learn to live in that place of grace - that undeserved favor that God grants me through Jesus Christ my Savior. He is not yet done molding, shaping, and teaching me.

I have resolved not to define myself by the mistakes that I have made, but rather by the lessons that I have learned. I have learned that I cannot change what I have "done" but that I can choose what can be "done". My choice is to be a better man today than I was yesterday.

A year ago, I'd be terrified of putting my photo up on the Web out of fear of being recognized. Today, I hope I am recognized so that I can bear witness to the realities of living my life fully - as both gay and Christian.

Can you see me now?