Homosexuality Destabilizing Society

Here are some of my favorite parts from this recent article:

"....The Vatican newspaper said on Tuesday that homosexuality risked 'destabilizing people and society', had no social or moral value and could never match the importance of the relationship between a man and a woman...."

"...It (homosexuality) does not represent a social value and even less so a moral virtue that could add to the civilization of sexuality,' Anatrella said. 'It could even be seen as a destabilizing reality for people and for society...."

"....In no case is this form of sexuality a sexual alternative, or even less, a reality that is equivalent to that which is shared by a man and a woman engaged in matrimonial life...."

"...It said homosexuality was 'a sexual tendency and not an identity' and repeated the Church's stand against allowing gays to marry or to adopt children. It also called homosexuality 'an incomplete and immature part of human sexuality'...."

So anyway, I had dinner tonight with some new friends and had a wonderful time. Two were a lesbian couple who have been together for about five years or so. (This was a different couple than the ones with a daughter that I mentioned in "A Night With The Ladies".) One of them has a beautiful 12 year old daughter - I got to see the wallet photos =) - and it was great to see how proud she was of her little girl. She was conceived through artificial insemination....

...which as a side note, i'm told that single women cannot do that anymore in Utah - not even heterosexual single women wanting a child.

So they told me the story of how their little girl had previously not been doing so well in school but now she's been showing incredible improvement. Their daughter has been getting A+ 's and she's got a 4.0 grade point average now. She's doing extremely well and the couple are very very proud of their daughter.

One day, the little girl walked up and decided to "come out" to her lesbian mom. As i'm told the story, the daughter says, "Mom. Is it okay that I like boys?" My friend was holding back the laughter and tried her best to keep a straight face as she responded, "Of course it is! As long as the boy treats you well, respects you, is a kind and loving person, and loves Jesus. It's absolutely okay for you to like any person you want!" The girl was happy to hear it. She's also not allowed to date until she's 16 years old. Ha! Afterwards, my friend ran into the other room to burst out in laughter. How funny is that?

It's funny (actually no, it's stupid) to hear sometimes the assumptions from ignorant people who say that gay parents will influence their children to be gay also. I have friends, some gay and some straight, who have gay parents and all say that they were completely free to be attracted to whomever they happened to be attracted to.

During dinner, they told me another story about the time they visited a church in Arizona. Before that, some elderly friends had told them that the next time they were in Arizona they should visit the church that they attend. My friends took them up on the offer and when they were in the state, they looked up the church and decided to go.

It turned out to be one of those 5 services on Sunday mega-churches with thousands of people. They recount the story as hearing the pastor excitedly and energetically tell the congregation that they no longer have to be alone. He preached to those who have been wounded by the church and that they are welcome at this church. He said that even if he has to come down off this pulpit and carry you on his back, he'll "walk with you". He even physically came down from the pulpit and picked up a man on his shoulders and carried him up the stage. And so he had an altar-call for anyone who had ever been wounded or hurt by a church. My friends came forward and were very moved. For two years they thought well of what they witnessed.

Two years later, they found out the rest of the story. The next day after this sermon and spectacular show of grace, questions were asked about who invited the lesbians to church. When it was discovered that my friends' friends had invited them, the heterosexual elderly couple were banned from ever attending the church again. When they tried to come back, they were identified and refused entry into the parking lot. This was a church of thousands.

More of the dinner conversation revolved around favorite worship songs, crazy family stories, work being done to help the community, and how awesome Jesus is. All four of us at this table, all gay or lesbian, held hands to pray for a blessing over the meal, a blessing for the restaurant we were in, and a blessing for our friendship. It was quite a strategy session for how we could continue to destabilize our society.

Taking Relational Risks

I'm learning that maybe it's okay to make some mistakes. Safe mistakes. It'd be terrible to do something so stupid that i'd jeopardize my health or life, but what if I allowed myself to go out and take some relational risks - be present and see what happens, see what God does.

I've been building friendship relationships but not necessarily romantic relationships. The thought of dating is actually kind of scary to me. I've never been on an actual date with another guy. Scratch that - I went on one several years ago but that was when I was paranoid for being in ministry and in the closet so I made sure nothing more came out of that "one" night. Now, things are different. My journey has taken me to a place of wanting to see what this would actually look like - for me to serve God in ministry while engaging in a committed relationship with a guy. But that would first require dating which would in turn require being present - emotionally and physically.

Believe me - for those of you who are "concerned" about the path i'm talking about taking - the huge hestitation for me is where this may lead....

I've always denied myself romantic relationships because I didn't want to "corrupt" myself with anything gay-related. Since i'm not straight, I wasn't exactly pursuing a relationship with a woman. The result has been a loneliness that I'm not sure how to describe to a straight person. If I were on a date with a guy or was even in a dating relationship with, can I trust myself to maintain boundaries? If so, then perhaps a relationship of substance can be nurtured. If not, could I be placing myself in a dangerous situation? So yeah, i'm concerned too.

It's pretty obvious, from my posts over the past couple months, that i'm inclined to believe that the sinfulness of homosexuality as referenced in Scripture has to be considered in the context of lust, selfishness, violence, and idolatry and that loving and committed relationships don't fall in that category. (I say "inclined" because it's not a concrete conclusion - i'm still open to the other perspectives). It's just that, at some point, I've gotta find out for myself if I can really see the fruit of the Spirit in the context of a loving relationship with another guy. I can't simply rely on the books and essays i've read or the warnings from concerned people or the encouragement of those in the gay world. This is my journey. I need to discern for myself what the Spirit is telling me. I trust Him enough to walk this through with me. Either He'll show me that this is a fruitless pursuit or He'll show me that there indeed is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in a monogamous same-sex relationship.

Yeah, that's risk.

The other risk is my own esteem. The last thing I need is to purposefully place myself in a situation of being rejected. Yet the affirming thing about this blog has been the many friendships that we've started with each other via comments, email, instant message, or phone conversations. In one particular instant message with a new friend, I laughed about noticing that someone found Two World Collision by searching for "hot filipino gay guys". (It's actually pretty hilarious to see the things people Google to end up coming here.) But my new friend pointed out that he doesn't recall ever seeing a photo of me at this site and yet some people are ending up here looking for "hot". As i thought more about it, I realized that I've been able to interact with all of you in ways that has nothing to do with what I actually look like. And so, what if I functioned in the "real" world in much the same way. What if I was simply myself - confident in the person I am without feeling like I have to look a certain way. Perhaps the quality of my conversation with a sense of confidence is enough to be attractive to someone else. Since physical attraction is relative to each individual's taste and perception, perhaps my esteem can stay in tact.

What about the other issue? Maintaining boundaries. Can I trust myself? It'd be smart to have them as I'm being "present" out there. I was talking to my buddy tonight and he gave me some good suggestions. (Disclaimer: i'll apologize now in case you think some of them sound a bit raw but i'll share it in case it could benefit others.) For starters, my buddy says that I can always call him at the end of the evening if I decided in advance that I wasn't going to go home with anyone that night. (What a pal, huh?) He also says that we can do the whole double date thing so that I'm not out there doing this alone. This could allow input from my friends that I may not perceive of the guy. Some other things he mentioned was putting things in my car such as laundry baskets in the front and back seats so that I can't take anyone home with me. Or placing something embarassing in my car so that I wouldn't want a guy I just met to see it. The "raw" suggestion he mentioned was "relieving" myself before going out on a date so that my hormones weren't dictating my decisions. I think an important thing my buddy said was that I should communicate to the guy in the beginning that we are not going to have sex tonight. His response could reveal alot about this guy's character and what he's looking for.

Definitely some good stuff.

I want to do what's healthy. I want to do what's right. But I feel like this is a part of my journey that I need to see for myself. For so long I paralyzed myself from being able to connect with someone intimately. It's been incredibly lonely. I think taking safe risks are okay. Maybe it's okay to find out what kind of guys I don't like. Maybe it's okay to discover what a bad relationship would be like. Maybe it's okay for me to fall for a guy and have my heart broken. I still trust Jesus enough to walk with me through this. The fruit will speak for itself, i'll learn from it, and move on from there.

525,600 Minutes

[Note: Scroll down within this post to see the music video for Rent's "Seasons of Love" on YouTube followed by the lyrics.]

One year. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - so goes the song from Rent about how we measure a year (see lyrics to the song below). The hit Broadway musical and now newly released movie (which I just saw this evening with some friends) paints a picture of poverty, disease, and drugs in the every day lives of friends simply trying to survive and reach their aspirations.

The cast, as is common in musicals, live out their lives through song and music. While we hardly live the life of a musical where we break out in chorus every time a drama occurs in our lives, I wonder how much of our lives is infused with the kind of passion that invigorates those we come in contact with - enough for them to get up out of their seat and join us in a musical number - our lives. How do you measure a year in the life?

Almost seems like I can cast my own show...

...one with friends just out of college struggling to land the job that the career services department promised would be there; friends in a church struggling to figure out how to "do" church outside-the-box yet frustrated at why it's not as organic as they would have hoped; friends in another church struggling to glorify God in their community in the midst of persecuting Christians who condemn their gay lifestyles; new friends that spend their lives praising God while keeping HIV at bay by religiously taking their meds; friends doing whatever they can to help the homeless but frustrated at the seemingly hopeless task; friends online trying to explore what this whole gay Christian thing looks like; and me, just trying to live out my faith in every context.

So much has happened in a year. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that....

Last year this month, I began my last semester at university and was about to see the fruit of three years worth of sacrifice - the honor of class Valedictorian and graduation speaker. It was a busy time - focussed and determined. Two years ago, I invested time in healing from past wounds and past regrets. I spent six months in an ex-gay ministry and found value in the small group fellowship, prayer, and discussion. It felt good to be able to say out loud that I was attracted to other guys and to have the group (some gay, some straight) still affirm me as a man of God. Three years ago, I began taking steps of faith - the Lord had inspired us with fresh vision and my ministry partner and I began to live out our faith in a way that would eventually lead to the establishment of our non-profit organization. Four years ago, I wanted to die. My life was at a metaphorical "rock-bottom". Having already tried to kill myself in high school yet surviving in misery, I knew better than to do it again. So I asked the Lord to take my last breath as I slept, fully believing that He would do it, and I had my first dream that I can attribute as being from the Lord (which in a nutshell, told me that He wasn't done with me yet). I woke up taking a full, deep gasp of air - in contrast to my request when I lay my head the evening before.

This past year, in present time, I have been living out faith - living out grace - living out redemption. I have forsaken the religious routines of a spectator faith and I've exchanged them for an exciting journey of exploration and uncertainty, following Jesus into the unimaginable places He was already at - the gay community. I have the privilege of participating in my faith - this walk with Christ where I am no longer paralyzed by my own self. Moment by moment, minute by minute I have been learning what it looks like to measure my year with relationships. I have grown closer to my family. I have grown closer to new friends. I have grown closer to some existing friends.

The months of November and December have historically been incredibly depressing times for me. This is the season when I am normally overwhelmed with loneliness and anchored by the memories of the biggest mistakes of my life. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all emphasized a holiday season that was plastic - an insincere celebration on the outside of me, but a dark and silent prison on the inside of me. This year seems different. It's brighter somehow. Lighter even. Perhaps hopeful.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. It's been a year's worth of sacrifice and success, excitement and depression, acceptance and rejection, confusion and exploration. Worlds of people and worlds of emotions all colliding during every minute - every moment. Yet, in every explosion, I am met by God who's presence has always been evident. Thank God for this minute, right here - right now. As another year passes, I pray that I can continue to measure it with "Seasons of Love".

Click here to see the Rent Blog that has film clips of the new movie (with songs).



"Seasons of Love"

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
How do we measure a year?

In daylights—in sunsets,
In midnights—in cups of coffee,
In inches—in miles,
In laughter—in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes.
How do we measure
A year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.

Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes.
How do we measure the life
Of a Woman or a Man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried,
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died.

It’s time now—to sing out
Tho’ the story never ends.
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love.
Remember the love.
Remember the love.
Measure the love.

Measure, measure your life in love.
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.

A Perfect Couple, A Perfect Life

This one is funny enough to share. Of course, i've had my share of fantasies about the perfect life with a wife, kids, a dog, a cat, a fish, a job, and the white picket fence. Didn't quite turn out that way....

Click Here For A Laugh

Dad's Coming Home

So i've been looking forward to my dad coming in December. I had thought that he was going to be here for a month and i was excited about that because i was going to have him spend a weekend with me. He would most likely be staying at my brother's house in another city (about 60 miles from where i live). I'd have him over, have meals with him, take him to church with me, plus my buddy was even saying that we'll take him out with us - he was referring to a bar. Yeah, that'd be interesting.

Anyway, i'm excited to see him because i really want to spend more time with him. This is significant because for so many years we were so emotionally distant and I was bitter so seeing him before was never something i looked forward to. I want to talk with him about me being gay and i'm hoping he'll talk to me about him being gay. Perhaps, we'll even be able to talk about Jesus too . . . .

He's told me that he has started going to an Episcopal Church in Hawaii which is another clue that he actually is gay. Based on past "Jesus" conversations, he was always resistant to the whole "church" thing. So if he's going to a church now, it's probably because it's inclusive of gay people and he feels comfortable with it. This is all an assumption. That's why I want to have this talk. I want him to tell me if he's gay. I know, i won't ambush him or anything. I'll bring up me and hope that he feels comfortable enough to tell me about him. We'll see.

But the thing is - I found out last week before I left for the conference from my brother that my dad is thinking about moving here from Hawaii to Southern California. I'd like it if he lived close to me so that we can spend more time but my brother says he may help him find a place to live near his home because it's less expensive. Either way, i'm excited that he'll potentially be here longer than a month. He was last here this past February for my graduation - I got my bachelor's degree (finally) and I was class Valedictorian, graduated Summa Cum Laude (4.0 GPA), and I had the honor of giving the commencement speech, plus I was losing weight. I think he'll be proud of me for losing more weight, maintaining it, and staying fit.

He's getting older in years and we've been getting emotionally closer for the past three and a half years. I want to be able to have full reconciliation with him before he passes away. I know that sounds kinda morbid but many many years ago when it seemed like there was no hope of us reconciling, I asked God to bring us together - somehow. I didn't think it was possible. But now, it seems, that God has been answering that prayer.

God is so kewl! =)

Note: For previous posts related to my father, type in 'dad' in the "Search this blog:" text box in the right column.

Bird's Eye View

I'm back from Indiana and definitely glad to be home. Having not traveled much, it was interesting to see snapshots of various parts of the country. As I flew over certain cities, I found myself intrigued by . . . . the way homes were laid out.

Charlotte, North Carolina had trees everywhere. It was like every home had a forest for a backyard. (I suppose that happened to be the view from the airplane. I'm sure not all of Charlotte is like that but there was definitely lots of green.)

Indianapolis, Indiana had a very suburban look with practically every home having both a front and back yard. But then it changed as we flew over the downtown urban area and all the homes were cramped together - many without any yards.

Phoenix, Arizona was distinctly square. Every block was kind of like a cookie cutter neighborhood block, multiplied hundreds of times throughout the city. The city looked like one huge grid of parallel and perpendicular roads and filled with track homes. From up above, you can distinctly see the perimeter of the city.

This was largely different once we were over Southern California! From a bird's eye view over the Los Angeles Basin, you can't really see a perimeter. The land from as far as the ocean to as far as the mountains to very far inland were all full of structures - homes, industrial buildings, businesses, lakes, farm land, roads going many different directions, and thin free ways. The impressive thing about seeing this was that it was evident how many people live here. You don't typically see what millions of people look like because you most likely won't see that many standing side by side. However, seeing thousands of homes spread throughout the region, with probably at least 3-4 people living in each home, helped me to visually realize the millions of people that are here. It's crazy really when I think about it.

From up top, I wondered how many people down there are gay? How many people out there are searching for some kind of peace or resolution from the conflict they find in their sexuality and faith? The perspective from several thousand feet in the air was interesting as I realized that there are so many people out there that are hurting, wounded, and confused about their lives. I can only imagine the compassion that fills God's heart as He sees all of this from all of us at the same time.

Discerning Self-Censorship

So i'm here at the Marriott Hotel in Indianapolis, Indiana. Yep, that's right! I'm here for the CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) National Conference. I'm way excited to be away! For starters, having lived in Southern California for the past 15 years or so, i've never been past Arizona or any of California's neighboring states. We took the red eye and left out of Los Angeles at about 11:00pm Pacific time Wednesday night, arrived in Charlotte, North Carolina at about 4:15am Eastern time (saw lots and lots of trees), then went on to Indianapolis at about 6:30am and arrived here at about 9:00am Eastern time and saw actual snow falling. I discovered what "jet lag" is. Goodness, i'm so disoriented...what time is it really?

I've been to conferences before but this is my first trip representing my public ministry and it's awesome. I've met lots of other people who are doing similar community development type work. Major trading of the business cards going on... =) Anyway, good conference so far...

I met a guy at one of the workshops on "City Blogging" yesterday . . . who seemed to be a great guy. I found myself reluctant to tell him about Two World Collision - I guess i'm still pretty hesistant to be completely "out". It's complex - as you can pretty much gather if you're following along on my journey. I don't want to be "out" to everyone in every context because I don't really think that I have to be. I mean, my identity (and allegiance) is first and foremost in Christ. Being gay, or even just journeying through this process, is simply a context. But it's not who I am nor do I want it to be all about who I am.

It just sucks that I didn't feel comfortable enough with myself to be free to talk about Two World Collision. It was relevant to our conversation about blogs and the way "community" develops over the blogosphere. He seemed like a nice guy too. It would have been great to naturally talk about something i'm excited about and to talk about all of you that i'm getting to know and praying for. This is a dynamic I experience of living in "two worlds" - filtering conversations to make sure certain details about certain topics are censored. Censoring myself causes this feeling for me of not being completely known. I think that's one reason why it's pretty lonely at times - not because of others not wanting to know me, but because I don't feel safe enough with some people to be fully known. I know - i've always owned up on the fact that i've got issues, haven't I?

It happens when i'm in the city talking with mainstream pastors and I don't yet talk about the other pastors that I've met from the inclusive churches in the city. It happens when I'm at a prayer meeting with people from different churches throughout the city and they start praying "against" those homosexual people and their "agenda". It happens with some friends when he comments about an attractive girl but I happened to notice the guy she was with. It happens when I refrain from talking about an exciting topic that i want to blog about because the person i'm talking to doesn't even know about the blog. (Disclaimer: I hope you don't get the impression that i'm some basket-case non-socially functioning closet case. I'm not. Really, i'm not.)

I was talking with another guy from Chicago yesterday who works with a ministry that reaches out to male prostitutes. He noted that the majority of those guys weren't gay. Somewhere in our conversation we began talking about gay Christians and he believes that, though he hasn't actually known any homosexuals outside of the context of male prostitutes, being gay is a disorder from some kind of emotional lacking in their early childhood and that even if they say that they haven't been abused, he thinks they just don't realize the abuse that caused the brokeness. See, now here's a situation where he really didn't need to know that I was gay. He just wouldn't get it. He admits not knowing gay people (outside of his ministry) but he forms a conclusion about how they became gay based on his limited exposure to them. Now, I do have some friends that are trying to be a bit more informed about this stuff, but I also know that there are people like him that believe what they believe for reasons not completely logical. I used to be one of them.

So there's a bit of that fear in telling someone about my journey because I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from and how they'll react. Are they open-minded enough to be informed about the subject? Are they decidedly hostile for illogical reasons? Will they invite me to coffee or throw me out of the building and start throwing rocks?

Is this kind of self-censorship a self-imposed prison? I don't think so - not completely at least. Sure it's refreshing to be free to talk about certain things with trusted people. However, I think a degree of discernment is needed. On this blog, i pretty much lay out my heart - and it makes me vulnerable to have this kind of honesty. At the same time, i can get pretty devastated if someone attacked me with harsh words.

So people don't need to know what they don't need to know. In the mean time, i'll have to discern my own self-censorship.