Road Trip Destination: St. Louis, Missouri

It's so hard to say goodbye (to home) so we decided to yell it instead . . . . from St. Louis, Missouri!

We finished our first couple days of our lil' Road Trip Adventure through the MidWest and it's been fun so far! We arrived in St. Louis on Tuesday late eve on Aug. 21st and we stayed until Friday noon on Aug. 24th so that means we had all of Wednesday and Thursday to site see, relax and play.

As we make our way on this trip, we're sampling pizza along the way - so stay tuned for a future separate post on "Pizza Wars" - the quest for the best pizza in the Heartland of America. Ha, okay, so maybe it's a bit unofficial and won't make the Food Network but hey, i'll review and recommend some of our fav's that we've discovered.

Aside from the pizza, we also saw some fabulous sites, interesting people, took tons of pics (see link below) and oh yeah, I met a hot guy in the restroom . . . .

Ah St. Louis! The thing that I loved about this city were the neighborhoods. There were trees everywhere! Remember, I'm coming from Southern California where you have to drive out an hour and a half to see a tree larger than your house. In St. Louis, it was amazing to see how the trees branched over the streets. It was green. It was peaceful.

The homes had character too. Most seemed built out of brick and I was jealous of the fireplaces that many of them had. Although I hear that most people have to run their air conditioning 24/7 because it's otherwise crazy hot. I said in my last post that it was humid. I take that back. It was just warm and hot all the time.

Michael and I are good friends and we've taken a number of trips together. In St. Louis, we were hosted by a friend of ours, Ron, who showed us around town the best he could. (Thanks Ron!) He had just moved there from Seattle, WA a week ago because he's in a doctoral program at St. Louis University (SLU). He showed us around campus and I was pleased to see that it was a very well maintained campus with clean grounds, nice landscape, interesting statues, and hot students - oh my gosh the guys there are so cute. Sigh, and straight too, most likely. But still.

It was actually kinda fun to see undergrads moving into the dorms with the help of their parents. I've never lived on campus so the sight of seeing "move in day" with students and parents hauling boxes and furniture into the dorms from out of their vehicles and U-Haul trailers was something i've only seen on TV or the movies. I think it would have been fun to live in the dorms (had I been able to afford it at the time) so that I too could experience loud music from the neighbors across the hall at insane hours, having to share a room with a weird guy I had just met, eating expensive cafeteria food that isn't quite fine dining, and trying to navigate the social hierarchies of a system much bigger and more intimidating than high school.

Actually, it sounds bad, but I really would have loved to experience the dorms during the "college years". Right after high school, I went to a university but I still lived with my mom and so had to commute. I did join a co-ed social fraternity, worked on campus, and was involved in numerous clubs - but the dorm experience would have topped it all off! Oh but it was fun hanging out with a frat bro who did live in the dorms. (No, nothing happened. Probably could have. I was too deep in the closet to have had the courage.) That's okay though. My college journey was mine, even without being in the dorms. But I digress . . . .

Apparently SLU is a Catholic university. I didn't know that. We checked out St. Francis Xavier Catholic church (near the campus) which seemed nice enough. Michael thought it was actually a "School for Gifted Youngsters" but I told him I didn't think St. Francis was Professor X. Afterwards, we went and saw the Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis. Now that was an impressive structure. It was grand and regal and actually quite inspiring. As someone who's expression and lifestyle of faith is pretty organic, I enjoy seeing institutional structures. I'm just not impressed with having my faith governed by them. But artistically, I love them!

We made our way to Forest Park. Pretty big park. I guess it compares to Central Park in NY. We needed our GPS to navigate out!

There was this awesome statue of St. Louis riding a horse on top of a hill. I always feel so free when I see huge lawns and hills of grass. I walked through it barefoot too! Ah, to be on vacation!

The park also has several museums and touristy type stuff. We went to the planetarium which was kinda cool because I enjoy star gazing, except for the fact that I fell asleep during the cheesy cartoon super hero constellation show. One cool thing, though, at the planetarium was seeing a replica of Space Ship One. That's the aircraft that won the Ansari X-Prize - a competition to build a space-worthy craft. I wrote a paper about it in school.

We met up with a friend and fellow GCN'er, Bill, who lives in Missouri a few hours away from St. Louis. He took time off work to come out and so we all spent our vacations together! It was fun hanging out and getting to know him for a day and a half.

Bill is someone with an incredible heart and has been committed to praying for so many people, including myself, in the GCN global online community.

We also took some time to check out the Missouri Botanical Gardens which was quite nice. I enjoy going through gardens, not necessarily because of an interest in botany or plant species but because I find it relaxing and peaceful. We had a good time strolling through the huge garden landscape, taking our time chatting and telling stories.

We also met up with some other local GCN'ers for dinner at a restaurant called Blueberry Hill. We had a good time reconnecting with some that we hadn't seen for either a few weeks or several months at the last GCN conference. I also met one for the first time. It's always interesting to hear different people's stories and about how various "gay Christians" are serving the Lord in their community or in their lifestyles.

While here for dinner, I noticed a rather attractive guy from across the room and while in the restroom to wash my hands, he happened to be in there. We struck up a conversation (yes, right there in the restroom) and I discovered that this incredibly hot guy was also incredibly friendly! His name was Elliot and he suggested some good places to go to while visiting St. Louis. He told me about Central West End which has some good "night life". I found out afterwards that this was a very gay-friendly area. Boy, if I knew that, I may have asked him out for a drink when he told me about it! Sigh, missed opportunity! It's okay, i'll likely never see him again. But it was a fun conversation.

During our last evening in St. Louis, we wanted to go see what the gay night life was like so we went to a bar/club. Since it was a Thursday night, it was pretty dead. We didn't get there until after midnight and it was also cowboy night. We ended up going to another club called Complex and it was pretty dead too except for a few more people there. The dance floor was empty so Michael and I danced. Eventually, Michael sat down (it was a long day!) and so I just continued dancing on my own. Other people started dancing too and it was fun to just let loose, close my eyes, listen to the music, and just move.

Before the club, we went and saw the Arch. This was an impressive piece of architecture built to represent the gateway to the West as the U.S. expanded into new territory. In many ways, I've gone through a gateway of my own - chronicled on this blog. I have been thinking over the past several days that I am happy where I am at in life because of this journey that I'm on. Regardless of the drama that is happening at work, I don't feel led in my spirit or by His Spirit to leave just yet. I enjoy being able to do event planning and logistics. I also like the fact that I don't have to invest enormous energy staying in the closet or mentally managing who knows and who doesn't. I can just be me. I'm also content with my faith. It's in tact. I feel like i'm living it out while at the same time acknowledging my short comings and trying to be better. There are definitely things in my life that aren't completely done in faith but God's grace keeps me humble. I'm also content with my friends and the people God has put in my life. And I'm thankful for how God is using me in this world, my community, and in my sphere of influence. I'm happy about alot of things despite a few of life's road bumps. I hate to paint such a rosy picture because it's not all perfect. I guess, for today, that's just what i'm choosing to focus on at the moment. Gratitude.

In 2005, I began a journey of reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I stepped through that gateway Arch and the view from up there has been awesome!

If you'd like to see tons of other pictures of the St. Louis leg of our road trip, check them out here in my facebook album!

Next stop - Louisville, Kentucky!

The Road Trip Adventure Begins!

It's here and it's official!!!!

I'm on vacation!

I had a heck of a time trying to get out of the office yesterday. I was hoping to get out of work by noon which didn't happen. There were tons to do and I was frantically trying to handle the priority tasks while at the same time coordinating a few more trip details for Chicago and Louisville while also coordinating my planned meeting with my mutual life insurance representative (to sign a new policy) who was running late and would have thrown off my tight schedule because right after work I needed to get home, finish packing, clean my room and get it ready so that it could be painted while I'm gone, go to the store to get a paint roller and stuff, and then get my butt to LAX to catch my flight. The killer was when I was literally packing up my things to leave the office when the president called me and said, 'hey remember that thing I told you was NOT a priority and can wait until you get back from vacation, I need you to do it NOW before you leave for vacation.' I HOPE THEY MISS ME WHILE I'M GONE.

Okay, stressed after reading that? Sorry. I know, i'm on VACATION!!! Woo Hoo!!!

So i'm in St. Louis, MO. Ugh. How do people live in humid weather, I don't get it --says this spoiled SoCal'er. It was warm and sticky at midnight. But i'm excited to be here. Michael and I rented a car and we met up with a friend and we're staying at his place. We're gonna check out this place called Imo's Pizza. We've heard mixed reviews (from being the best pizza place ever to being a place to go to only if you enjoy getting sick to your stomach) so we want to try it out. We think it'll be fun to sample pizza from throughout the midwest (Louisville, Indy, Grand Rapids, Chicago) and see how it compares to my fav Domenico's in Long Beach, CA. I'll give you our review of Imo's later!

We don't have set plans for other sites to see here in STL but we're going to just follow our nose's. I'll be sure to take pics and share with ya! For now, we're off for breakfast....or, er.... I mean lunch. Wait, what time is it again? Blasted time zone difference.... =P

Perfect Time For A Vacation!

I just worked a 14 hour day today. I originally planned on going in to work at 6am, however, I was up last night until 2:15am and I had a tough time waking up at 5 o'clock this morning. So i went in to work at my normal time of 8:30am and I was there until 11:00pm tonight. I'll still be coming in tomorrow morning at 6:00am to finish some things that I hadn't completed tonight.

Tomorrow is a training conference for work that I'm the event planner for so I'm in charge of running logistics. It'll be another long work day tomorrow plus I'm having friends over at my place in the evening for dinner and a movie night.

It's been pretty crazy at work for several months now. I mentioned the internal strife in last night's post. We were on the front page of the newspaper today once again. Sigh. My boss is really getting grilled! So the tension in the office was pretty high this afternoon. But as the day progressed, there was just too much to do than to be focussed on all of that nonsense.

So now is the perfect time for a vacation!

This coming Tuesday night, after work, I'll be taking off with my friend Michael for a 12 day road trip in the Midwest and Great Lakes region. I'm flying out of Los Angeles to St. Louis, Missouri and spending a couple days there from Aug. 21st - 23rd. We'll rent a car and road trip to Louisville, Kentucky from Aug. 24th - 26th. My friend Becky is a triathlete and is competing in an Ironman competition that Sunday. We'll move on to Indianapolis, Indiana from Aug. 27th - 28th. Afterwards we'll go to Grand Rapids, Michigan from Aug. 29th - 30th and then we'll go and spend our Labor Day weekend in Chicago, Illinois from Aug. 31st - Sept. 2nd. We'll fly back home to Southern California and I'll have Labor Day to rest up before heading back to work.

We'll be meeting up with friends and GCN'ers along the way. We've planned dinner gatherings so if there are any Two World Collision readers that are in those areas and would be available on any of those dates that we're there, I'd love to connect with you! Just let me now and email me at twoworldcollision(AT)yahoo(DOT)com.

Either way, i'll take lots of pictures to share the road trip journey with you.

I'm super excited about seeing my friend Becky again. She's a true inspiration. She's got a heart of gold for the GLBT community (she's an "ally" of ours). As a triathlete, she raises money for non-profit groups. For this Ironman, all her proceeds go towards the Marin Foundation. I've already donated and if you'd like to join me in supporting Becky and the work of the Marin Foundation in helping to form bridges between the faith community and the gay community, you can do so by going here:

Becky's Donation Page

Stay tuned because this is going to be an exciting end of Summer!

Catching Up On Recent Events

It may have been over two weeks since my last post but that doesn't mean life has been uneventful.

With so much going on, I haven't had the time to sit and process my thoughts. It usually takes about 2-3 hours to write a blog post about something I'm really chewing on. But the thing is, I've been chewing on about 5 things that I could write about - all in separate posts. I hate to just write updates about my life (as if that's anything to follow) but perhaps sharing with you about things that I'm doing or am involved with will help paint the broader picture of my journey to date . . . .

At the end of July, I witnessed for the first time my dad cry in front of me. His brother (my uncle) died and we were burying him. His sister (my aunt) fainted during the funeral and the paramedics came out. These were his only siblings for all his life. My dad's twin sister died when they were young in the Philippines during the war when a bomb landed on the house. Now, with my uncle having passed away, it's just he and his sister. My relationship with my dad growing up was pretty emotionless. We're better now, now that we both came out to each other. But still, seeing my dad vulnerable like that was heart-wrenching. I'm sure this all makes him consider his own mortality too. It makes me consider my dad's mortality.

The busyness of my life and the constant connecting with friends has made the grieving process short. For the past several months, I've been intentional about catalyzing the regional Southern California Gay Christian Network (SoCal GCN) community. I've accepted the role as the region's group leader and facilitator and so I've been working to help build a tangible sense of community among them in local areas throughout the region. I'll write more about this later.

In a nutshell, in the last four weeks alone, I helped facilitate opportunities for people to connect in gatherings, events, and activities at Downtown Disney for over 20 people; a bonfire at Newport Beach for over 50 people; dinner gatherings of 7-20 people each at Long Beach, San Diego, Hollywood, Los Angeles, Universal City Walk, Redondo Beach and Mission Viejo; hanging out one on one or as a small group at Oxnard, Huntington Beach, Laguna Beach, Pasadena, El Segundo, Culver City, Cerritos, and Woodland Hills. I've literally driven all over Southern California! I'm hoping to show you a bunch of pics in another post this weekend.

I've gone on a couple of dates with guys that didn't seem to be a match. I've also had a crush or two that weren't mutual. Most recently, I've been "hanging out" with someone who seems to really peak my interest. The exciting part is that it's mutual. We've communicated romantic interest in each other! We'll see how it goes but we're just taking things slow and one step at a time. We're getting to know one another and we're discovering that we connect on many subjects and many levels. He makes me smile inside.

The work place drama, infighting, and internal politics at my job (not my non-profit) have intensified. People are still trying to get others fired. Board of Directors are suing each other and cussing at each other. We were in the newspaper numerous times. I work in a hostile work climate. My boss seems clueless as to the actual climate of the office. I tried to give him feedback by telling him what the climate was like and he responded with a sense of denial. He says that nothing could possibly be wrong because our office has produced so much this summer. He forgets the fact that we produced so much because I'm the one he tasked to do all of these special projects in the midst of the craziness. Our productivity has nothing to do with the work climate. Of anything, it just shows that I was able to complete these projects despite the hostile work climate. But in his eyes, everything is simply peachy. I've also been working event logistics on a mini-conference that's happening tomorrow (Saturday). That means its going to be crazy busy over the next two days at work. I've been avoiding overtime, when possible, because I so much look forward to my weeknight and weekend social life away from work. But I may be going in to work this morning at 5am or 6am (goodness that just in a few hours from now) and I may be staying late until 6pm or 7pm. I haven't decided for sure but this will be my last work day before Saturday's big event. Sigh.

Through Catalyst (my non-profit), i'm working with a few other organizations on an HIV/AIDS Collaborative and we'll be working together to explore how we can serve the needs of the HIV/AIDS population here in Long Beach. We're only at the very preliminary planning stages so we'll see how this develops. The interesting thing is that this is the first collaboration that I'm doing with my old first non-profit that I co-founded 5 years ago. This is the same one that I left in 2006 because of the whole "gay issue". Read more about what happened in "For the Kingdom and For the Baby". It's weird to see this organization (that I still love) do so well - without me being a part of shaping its direction. The Collaborative meeting was held in my old organization's office so it was quite uncomfortable. But I know that we're working together on something important and I know we'll make a difference. The other thing is that I know that our collaborating efforts will stir things in the Hot Zone. Despite our shared value that what we're doing is NOT a gay or straight thing, it will be inevitable. But at least it will stir discussion within the Church in our city.

A sad/frustrating piece of current event to share is that the same night that we met for this Collaborative, when I got back to my car at 10:30pm I discovered that my car had been broken into. They used a slim jim to get in through my driver's side door. The only things they took seemed to be items relating to my identity. They took my DMV car registration, my car insurance card and my health benefits card - all of which were held together in the glove compartment. They also stole my new portable GPS which I got specifically for my upcoming road trip next week (I'll post about that soon too!). I had to take time off of work to go to the police station early in the morning to file a police report, then also go to the DMV to get a new car registration card. Plus, I spent time on the phone doing all the identity theft/fraud prevention measures.

Oh well. As with the passing of my uncle, I've had too much going on to really dwell on uncontrollable circumstances. I've just been moving forward and perhaps i'll grieve later. I hope that doesn't screw me up.

So much more to share so stay tuned....

The Closet and the Cross

Last month, I was interviewed by Janine Kahn from the OC Weekly (a local Southern California newspaper) to share my story of being gay, ex-gay, and also being an ex-gay survivor. The article was recently published both in print and online as the feature cover story and I'm mentioned towards the end of the article. It presents the stories of people from both camps of "the issue".

I hate thinking of all of this as being different camps. I've never thought of myself as a political activist. I prefer to function as a relational catalyst. But we're still faced with the fact that there are people who disagree with how to approach important questions about wrestling with the reality of being gay and Christian.

As much as I hate being someone who "takes a side", I think it's important for us to tell our stories - whether they are stories of struggle or stories of survival.

Here's the article:

http://www.ocweekly.com/features/features/the-closet-and-the-cross/27499/

Good Enough

My uncle's funeral will be in several hours. And we're burying him.

The other day I posted about how he got remarried in his seventies. It was actually very sweet the way he chose to allow himself to love again after my aunt (his first wife) passed away. It's inspiring actually.

In love, I suppose the ideal is to accept each other's weaknesses, shortcomings, and imperfections. Love keeps no record of wrongs. To accept him doesn't necessarily mean to blindly pretend like he's perfect. For the guy that I fall in love with, accepting him means to love him anyway.

Over the past few days, I've been frustrated about not feeling good enough in the eyes of people in my life. I think it's probably more accurate to say that I don't feel good enough in my own eyes. When it comes to friends, I can live with being imperfect. But for the guy that I fall in love with, I have incentive to grow and to change - not because I don't think he'll love me if I don't, but rather it is because I know he loves me anyway. He makes me want to be better.

That kinda reminds me of my relationship with Christ.

It also reminds me of Makena's song "Good Enough". Siena and Toast gave me the mp3 of it and gave me permission to use it. Listen to it here:

http://www.catalystlb.org/GoodEnough.mp3

A few weeks ago I saw them perform it here in Long Beach and I posted it on YouTube.



I'm also posting the lyrics of the song below . . . . (click the link below to read the entire post).

GOOD ENOUGH
Copyright 2003 Siena Lee & Toast Tajiri (MAKENA)

You give me all day to study your face
But that ain't still not, that's not enough
I need till midnight, give me a lifetime
To find all the ways that we can touch
Oh my Jesus, but you're the sweetest
Thing in my cup, can I measure up

I wanna be good enough for you
I wanna be the one too good to be true
I wanna be good enough for me
So I can love you like crazy and still feel the peace
Of opening up all of my heart
More than I thought, stronger and soft
I wanna be good enough for us

Said the wrong thing, saw your face dim
Felt my heart shrink up inside
Said I'm sorry, you said it's okay
That everythings gonna be alright
And I know that, still I wish it
Would be okay now, it comes back to how

chorus

Not Good Enough

Why can’t I just be good enough?

Over the past two weeks, it seems like there was a recurring theme among friends or people I know. That theme was entitled, “Reasons why I don’t like Eric, why I’m not happy with Eric, or why Eric isn’t good enough.”

As if I didn’t have my own insecurities to answer those questions myself, I have to hear it, sense it or realize it from others? I can’t win . . . .

Last week I felt that a local GCN’er was attacking my leadership. I took it very personally and our conflict escalated to the point of needing a friend to mediate. We ended up reconciling earlier this week but it still revealed that he was quick to assume the worst of me. Am I the kind of person that makes it easy for people to think ill of me? Am I wrong in thinking that I’m generally a good person to follow?

Over the busy weekend, I had a conversation with someone I had been kinda seeing (in a way) several months ago. We’re friends now and everything is fine but because circumstances had changed since the last time we decided it was best to just be friends, I inquired if he still had residual feelings for me. He responded by saying that he was content with just being friends. Now don’t get me wrong, I totally value his friendship and I’m not at all suggesting that I want more than that. Really, it doesn’t! I know we’re not “a match”. But in responding to me, he didn’t actually say whether or not he still had feelings for me (which led me to assume that he didn’t) and he didn’t give me any other indication as to why. When we decided to simply be friends, he went through a season of indicating that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Now he’s dating and it just leaves me wondering, ‘why wasn’t I good enough?’ Am I wrong in thinking that I’m a catch?

On Sunday night, I had a phone conversation with a friend (who is interested in me, as it turns out). I was frustrated because I felt like he was judging me for not “going to church”. Boy, now that was definitely poor timing to have that conversation with me. That day, I was dealing with someone attacking my leadership, I was reminded by a former interest that there is no longer interest, it was a long weekend of being around people, and I had just found out that my uncle died. After a day like that, this friend wanted to tell me that I wasn’t keeping the Sabbath holy because I didn’t “go to church”. I felt like he was attacking my spirituality – my walk with Christ, my faith. Clearly, he doesn’t understand nor share my paradigm of “Church”. Am I wrong in thinking that my faith is not measured by my attendance at a Sunday service but rather by the state of my heart on a daily basis?

Yesterday two friends of mine thought it necessary to tell me about things they didn’t like about me in the past. Granted, it was all in fun and in jest and it came from a place of comfortable friendship. I know, this one seems like a small issue but one of the friends (whom I love and I consider a close friend!) told me that he wasn’t fond of one particular photo of me that I had been using as an avatar. I recently changed it and that’s when he thought it was safe to tell me that he really didn’t like that other picture. LOL, I know it’s silly and I’m okay with his statement on the surface, but I kinda liked that picture of myself (that’s why I used it) and so I was left wondering what else do people not like about me that they are just holding back? Another thing that this friend told me was that last year he thought I was a phony simply because I gave him a hug goodbye even though we hadn't talked to each other during the conference we were at. Can't I give strangers hugs? Does that make me phony? I thought the hug itself was a friendly gesture but apparently, at the time, it wasn't enough!

The other friend (who lives in another state) told me that he didn’t like me last year because I neglected him at a conference but from my recollection, I was connecting with him in some ways and also being friendly. I know they are both my friends now, and that’s what’s important. I also know that these two friends have a tendency of being a bit "catty". They were just judging me unfairly. But it causes doubt in me and makes me wonder if I have this false perception of myself of being a nice guy or a decent looking guy or that I’m a generally likeable guy and I’m simply oblivious to the fact that I’m not?

What’s the deal here? Why can’t I just be good enough?

Don’t worry, I’m not completely a basket case over all this. My self-esteem isn’t entirely dependent on what other people think of me. But I’ve got to be honest with the fact that other people’s opinion of me as a person and of my character does shape my self-esteem. The perception of rejection does feed my insecurities.

At the end of the day, I believe in the power to choose. I can choose to either have a tough skin, a sensitive heart, or a broken spirit about all of these things. I’m trying to approach it all with humility but can’t we do all this after my uncle’s funeral?