Birthday Dinner With Buddy

Tonight, I spent the evening having a birthday dinner with my buddy. He took me to a nice local restaurant piano bar near where we live and the atmosphere and ambiance was superb! The lighting was nice, the songs being played on the piano in the background was nice, the table setting with our glasses of wine were nice, the conversation was nice. It was a great place to be to catch up on the past few days and also to talk about life and things.

We've been room mates for the past six months and we've been friends for about a year and a half now. This is definitely a friendship that I cherish because my buddy was one of the early catalysts for me being on this journey of mine. He's the one I refer to in my story (Sankofa Part 3) when I talk about how I first began to question whether or not I owned my beliefs about the gay issue . . . .

Our friendship with each other has always been characterized as catalytic. We affect each other. We grow from each other. We stretch each other. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. He's in my inner circle. He's the friend I'd call in an emergency. He's the friend who's bedside i'd be at when he's got an emergency. He's got all of these quirky idiosyncrasies that I love (- like how he squints his eyes and slips out the tip of his tongue when he laughs or like how he lightly scratches that area between his upper lip and his nose with the tip of his finger when ever he's making a point about life in the mid West or (my favorite) like when he's fluttered, he let's out a short mini-burst of 'ahhh' mixed with a smile and wave of both his hands).

He's a good friend to have. He's my buddy. And we've had challenging times in our friendship but we both communicated through it. We've both been vulnerable with each other. We've both been asses to each other. We've both accepted each other for who we are - as we are. We've developed a trust with each other - there are things I've shared with him that few people on this planet know about.

In fact, tonight during our conversation he said something to me that completely challenged and inspired me. I was floored because he was right about the observation he made about me and the possible reason why I do (something in particular) the way I do. I love our friendship because we can both speak truth into each other. And it's typically received well.

I honor and value his friendship and he is truly a gift from God.

Shout Out To Lynwood High GSA

Earlier this afternoon, I was honored to have been invited to share my story with Lynwood High's Gay Straight Alliance - their student club supporting those like us on a journey. I had a blast hanging out with them! Hopefully, some of them found something I shared useful. I could tell that they've got incredible hearts and they can do so much. I just tried to empower them on their own journey - that they can choose what this journey of theirs looks like.

Goodness - who am I, though, to have anyone listen to anything I've got to say? Lord knows that I've got so much more to learn about myself, the community, the world, Him. I mess up a ton. I'm just trying to journey through life - figuring it out as I go and learning from others also on the journey. I've got no answers. Just questions. And as I've said before, the questions drive the journey.

I thank God for this birthday opportunity to share my heart with a great group of fellow journey-ers.

Birthday Lounging With Hank and Debbie

Tonight I lounged around at one of my favorite local coffee shop hang outs with my good friends Hank and Debbie. As I celebrate my birthday week by connecting with friends, I honor their friendship to me and I appreciate the gift that they are to me from God.

These two are particularly special to me because they were one of my first gay Christian friends that I made when I first began my journey . . . .

In the Summer of last year, I started this process of exploring the "other" side and I allowed myself to meet people who had apparently reconciled their faith and sexuality. I started this blog in July 2005 and soon I visited my first inclusive church called "The Tab". The next day, I visited one of their small groups in someone's home. As I began to meet more and more people from this church, I began to see genuine people loving and worshipping God. And oh, they happened to be gay or lesbian. That screwed up my paradigm! A significant moment happened early on in this journey when I went to a bonfire with the small group and I witnessed them pray for the welfare of the city. I began to realize that they loved God, loved each other, and they loved the city - just like so many of my straight Christian friends. Eventually, I came to the milestone moment of realizing that I could not deny that these indeed are my brothers and sisters in Christ. Since I accepted the fact that they are part of the Church, even as gay or lesbian, then that opened up a whole other can of worms - because if they are Christians, then what does that mean about my (and the mainstream Church's) assumptions about them not being a part of the Church? And so, God propelled me further on my journey.

Hank and Debbie were a part of that early process. They are some of the ones I am thinking of when I say in my story that I saw gay Christians genuinely worshipping the Lord and I know that they are my brothers and sisters.

So in the past year, God has developed the friendship between the three of us in incredible ways. We have a type of refreshing quality in our conversations and we've all grown so much both personally and as friends. We began to talk a lot about organic principles and the Church paradigm type stuff that I talk about on this blog. As I founded and established Catalyst, Hank and Debbie were the ones that I brainstormed with. They were the ones that helped me out logistically with the events. They were the ones that believed in me and the vision that I saw and together we've adopted this catalytic lifestyle of trying to connect with and affect the world around us. We have a vision for catalyzing our city and changing our culture over the next 30 years.

And it's so awesome to not be alone in this.

I value Hank and Debbie because they are on this journey with me. We call ourselves a tribe - a tribe of faith (something that I'll be unpacking in future posts). A tribe is different from simply having other Christian friends. A tribe is a group of disciples whose relationships with each other is characterized by three things: Divine Truth, Nurturing Relationships, and Apostolic Mission. The DNA. Yes, i'll be unpacking this more in future posts but for now i'll say that I appreciate this tribe. And for my birthday, I honor them and I thank God for the gift they are to me.

Birthday Walk With Marque

Today I had a birthday walk with my new friend Marque. I say "new" because we've been friends for a couple months now. I think it was around September when I did that workshop at a conference - that was about the time we discovered that we connected well. He's an incredibly refreshing guy to talk with because he's honest and he's real and I love talking with him because neither of us have to put up any kind of charade about ourselves. We can just be who we are - and that's simply acceptable. Comfortable, even.

This is a friendship along my journey that i've wanted to be intentional about developing because he's such a great guy to have as part of one's social support network - as a friend. Today we went on a "birthday walk" - but really it just marked the first of our routinely Monday evening walks along the beach and parts of Long Beach. We both have talked about being more active so we decided to start walking together. It'll give us a context to continue growing in our friendship and it'll also keep us accountable to getting our exercise in. I'm so much better at keeping appointments and so if I know he's counting on me showing up, then I will. But if I didn't have that meeting set, then i'd likely and typically flake on myself thinking, "oh i'm tired. i'll just exercise tomorrow" - which i've done and said to myself plenty of times.

So this was a good connection. I call it a "birthday walk" because we're both journeying together. All of these birthday connections that i'm hoping to have this week isn't about celebrating "me" per se - rather, it's about celebrating the relationships that God has given to me.

So Marque is a gift and I thank God for him. =)

My First Birthday Wish

"We're doing that not-look-away thing again you like so much."

I mentioned in last night's post that I'm hoping to connect with many pockets of friends over the course of this coming birthday week. The point is that I've been able to walk this journey of mine over this past year and a half because of awesome friends. I think a support system of loved ones makes all the difference on whether or not my boat capsizes during the storm or if I stay afloat through it. It's been an awesome year of being intentional about developing these friendships.

As another year begins, there's another kind of connection that I'm hoping for - one that I have not yet been blessed to have. Perhaps, it's because I first needed to learn to float without bringing in the wrong kind of baggage into the kind of connection i'm wanting. I've never been in a relationship before. I'm hoping that I'm ready for one now so that by next year's birthday celebration, I can reflect back to appreciate the connection.

I've barely discovered the new show Brothers and Sisters on ABC. In fact, I haven't even watched a full episode yet. I think they are six or seven episodes in since it's premiere. But I saw the scene (below) of Kevin and Scotty and I know that I absolutely need to check it out tonight. Judging from merely this scene alone, it's the best depiction of a gay couple on network TV that I've seen and it's also the sweetest representation of what I'm hoping for one day.

My Birthday Week Is Approaching!

So my birthday is coming up on Thursday, Nov. 9th and I've been considering what kind of celebration and festivities to have. Gosh, the Lord has done so much in this past year! Remember the fun of last year's birthday blog party?

I've got various pockets of friends - some are connected and some aren't. At first, I considered having one party and inviting everyone. Then I reconsidered and decided to try to connect with each group of friends to celebrate throughout the week. So what I think i'll do is try to take a photo each night and share it here as part of my birthday week.

First, I wanted to share with you briefly about my pre-birthday week connections with friends. Last night, I hosted a game night for some of my GCN friends in the area. I had a blast! We began the evening just having some awesome and natural conversation for quite a while, then we decided to play a fun game called Tribond. When everyone left, my friend (the one stretched out on the couch in the photo) visiting from San Diego (but recently moved here from Rochester, NY) crashed at my place because he was spending the weekend connecting with other GCN'ers in the LA area. So when everyone left, we continued chatting until about 2am, went to bed, then chatted more in the morning. It was so much fun connecting with him and getting to know him more. And he's one of the kewlest guys I know!

So back to my birthday week coming up . . . . It'll probably be busy at work since i'm only working for two and a half days. I'll work Monday and Tuesday (remember to vote on 11/7!) then I'm taking a half day off on Wednesday so that I can hang out with the teens at a high school. I'm honored to have been invited to come and share my story with a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance - student club) at one particular high school after school. Should be an awesome time! I took Thursday off of work because it's my bday and the office is closed on Friday because Saturday is Veterans Day. So it looks like i'll have a four and a half day weekend (maybe five if i come in after lunch on monday so that I can take a friend to the airport)! Hopefully, I'll be able to connect with most of my friends and share the love and festivities with all of you - my online friends! =)

What do I want for my birthday? Among many other things . . .

. . . I want YOU to give someone a FREE HUG!

To Lay Your Armor Down

[Note: Scroll down to see Dashboard Confessional's AOL Sessions of "Don't Wait" on YouTube and to read the lyrics.]

A friend of mine who regularly reads my blog asked me the other day, "What's with the weird stuff on your blog?" I asked, "What weird stuff?" And he said, "The things you've been posting recently. It seems different compared to what you've written before." And I responded with, "It's not weird. It's my journey. And sometimes things aren't always 'fine and dandy'. I'm just trying to live."

I know my friend wasn't implying anything when he first asked the question, but the question triggered other thoughts in me. Sometimes I feel like church culture and gay culture expects constant growth of me and that if i'm not growing, then i'm backsliding.

That's stupid.

In the real world, if you're too busy climbing up the ladder one has to wonder what it is on the ground that you're running from. I don't think growth can be measured by how far up you climb the ladder or by how far along the road you've traveled or by how many sins you no longer commit or by how far out of the closet you are.

Rather, I think growth is measured by the degree of vulnerability one experiences when looking in the mirror . . . .

Last week, I went to an awards banquet hosted by one of the old local gay political organizations and I'll have to admit that I felt completely out of place. The room was full of the old guard - those who fought and are fighting the good fight of justice and equality for people familiar with discrimination, prejudice and bullying. What have I done - what could I ever do - to compare with these seeming pillars of the cause? I'm finally comfortable being "all of me" to my own family and I'm starting to be comfortable being "out" with my friends. I know it's only been a year and all since I've allowed myself to accept me for me but seeing as how I started a community organization for the G's, the L's, the B's, the T's, and the Q's, I guess I'm feeling like I should be further along in my growth.

Do I have to be completely out and proud and the most visible in order to be one of them? What if I don't want to be one of the old guard. I'm not THAT old. And frankly, I don't necessarily want to do things their way. They are politicians and activists and that's not my approach to community transformation. While I appreciate the path they have laid, those aren't the footsteps I want to step into.

I've got my own stride. It's a bit slower and funkier with a bit of attitude and humility. In fact, it's got nothing to do with me being a strong gay man. It has more to do with me being vulnerable enough to recognize where I'm at and being okay with it. It's my journey - and to some it may not look like growth and to others it may not look like leadership and it may not even look like progress. But it's still mine. And I want to be the one to define what it looks like - even if it's weird.

I am where I am and I don't have to be further along if I'm not.

My goal is to reinvent gay culture in this city over 30 years. I'm starting with chucking the old expectations that tell us what it has to look like.

The church culture is no better sometimes when it says I'm not being a good disciple if I don't show up "at church" on Sunday. Well, what if I'm building a valued friendship with someone by going out to breakfast on a Sunday morning? Is that a lesser form of discipleship?

There are other "anonymous" commenters here at TWC that caution me not to share too much of my journey because it may lead people "astray". Well, frankly, it's my journey to share. And on this journey, God is with me - so why shouldn't I live out my discipleship in public?

There are those in church culture that would measure spiritual growth by a decrease in masturbation. Okay, so maybe I do masturbate. A lot. (LOL!) Does that mean I'm not growing spiritually? Does that mean I am a "carnal Christian" because I haven't been able to abstain from the lust in my mind?

I'm not saying it's okay to lust. But it's not the only indicator of my growth. It seems like church culture tries to tell me which steps I ought to take in order to be considered good and holy and righteous and acceptable and straight. Go to church. Tithe 10%. Bring a friend to church. Read the Bible. Pray. Go to Bible study.

You know, that's not my agenda. That's theirs and they can keep it. I've got my own approach to discipleship. It's a lifestyle that characterizes my relationship with God. And in that relationship with God, we're talking things through. He's patient with me and so I'm patient with me. I'm not going to make excuses for what I know is wrong. I'll try to make better decisions. But it's a journey not marked by perfection. It's a journey marked by His love. And that's why I keep walking with him.

So who says that's a lesser form of discipleship?

Gosh, if it seems like my posts have seemed a bit weird lately, maybe it's because October has been a particularly rough month for me. I'm okay with having a rough month. I hate the low parts of the rollercoaster ride just like the next guy but i'm still going to appreciate the ride God has me on. On this ride, on this journey, I'm going to continue being vulnerable with myself.

For too long, I looked in the mirror with disdain at who I saw. In the mirror, I saw a shell because it wasn't the me I knew inside of me. It was the me I projected outward for the world to see. It was a manufactured me. It was the closeted me.

I'm done with that. For me, being out of the closet has less to do with being "out and proud" so that people know I'm gay and it has more to do with being honest and vulnerable with myself to look in the mirror and say, "Look. This is how I feel. What now?" For me, being a disciple has less to do with going through the religious motions of looking spiritual and it has more to do with having an honest conversation with God and being vulnerable enough to let God love me as I am at the present moment.

My journey is what it is. And I don't apologize for it. As imperfect as it is, and as rocky the road seems to be, the fact that I'm still on it is evidence enough of my growth. Lord knows that there were plenty of times when I tried to jump off track.

Dashboard Confessional is another one of my new favorite bands. I discovered them a few weeks ago, got their new album on iTunes and I love the sound of their songs. The lyrics of "Don't Wait" particularly struck a chord in me because it reminds me that my life is not guaranteed nor is an easy life guaranteed. When I tried to kill myself, God said "I'm not done yet". When I almost died in a car crash, God said "I'm not done yet". When I hit rock bottom several years ago, God said "I'm not done yet". Life cannot fully be experienced by looking outside the window from behind the curtain or by peeking through the slit in the suit of armor. In this song, God reminds me to lay my armor down, go outside, and live.

He's out there.




"Don't Wait" by Dashboard Confessional

The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I'm gonna look at it again

Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down

You get one look
I'll show you something that the knife took.
A bit too early for my own good
Now let's not speak of it again

Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down

Don't wait, Don't wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don't wait
To lay your armor down [x5]